Mom's Least Favorite

It's a familiar saga: the ne're-do-well son, grown up but still glomming on to his parents. Torn between love and letdown, they begrudgingly support him. And as the parents grow older and more reliant on their child for their own well-being, they may become resentful of him or her.

"Maternal ambivalence is a common phenomenon," says Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University. Pillemer and co-author J. Jill Suitor, a professor of sociology at Louisiana State University, found that more than half of their subjects, 189 mothers ages 60 or older, felt conflicted about their children. Many said that they and their kids "often get on each other's nerves" but "still feel very close."

Unfulfilled expectations were the most common source of maternal consternation. Mothers were less ambivalent toward children who had completed college and married than they were toward those who still required support, especially financially. "Mothers formed plans for their children and assumed that these would be fulfilled in the long run," state Pillemer and Suitor in the Journal of Marriage and Family.

Of Pillemer's subjects the older mothers reported more ambivalence toward their children. The mothers also reported more ambivalence if they were in the midst of life changes, such as retirement or widowhood, or if the children themselves were in transitional phases, such as divorcing or becoming parents.

Mothers did not report greater ambivalence toward sons versus daughters, although they did have closer relationships—and more conflicts—with their daughters. This stands to reason, as parents generally have more contact with the children to whom they feel close.

Mixed emotions are not always problematic, however. "Extreme ambivalence is typically perceived as negative," says Pillemer, "but a certain amount is normal and healthy. Ambivalence is a fundamental component of elderly parent/child relations."