Holiday Do's and Don'ts

DO:

o Expect the intensity of holiday togetherness to breed some
irritability, and take it in stride.

o Give yourself and everyone else permission to feel less than
perfect. Recognize that the holiday isn't "ruined" just because someone
gets angry or upset; your family is simply doing what it's always
done--acting like your family.

o Recognize that no one can live up to our expectations for
Christmas. Most of us carry around a heavily romanticized picture of the
holiday and feel we must relentlessly convey warmth, brightness and good
feeling. It's just not possible without creating unbearable
tension.

o Be forewarned that it is the nature of family rituals to try to
stuff you back into old family roles; you don't have to be the
fixer-upper or kid sister if you don't want to.

o Be open, and respond positively to change in other family
members.

o Plan for the difficult moments. Propose a family outing for the
Thanksgiving or Christmas afternoon slump. Keep lots of board games
handy.

o Enlist the help of others if you are the one in charge of
organizing the holiday reunion. Well in advance, politely inform other
family members that you want their help with meal preparation, setup or
cleanup, and assign specific tasks to specific people. Everyone will
enjoy the occasion more.

o Try to be flexible about the way things are done. Build some
change into family rituals, otherwise they will ossify and eventually
turn participants off. People grow and change; so should rituals.

o Create new rituals in newly blended or divorced families,
adopting elements that have shared meaning for all current
members.

o Recognize how difficult the holidays are for children of divorced
families. Two families are usually competing for the children's time and
affection and they know that someone they love will inevitably suffer.
Smooth their way.

o Congratulate the cook. So what if the turkey's too dry. At least
it's on the table.

DON'T:

o Buy into the holiday promise of a perfect family. There's no such
thing--and never was.

o Expect the holidays to serve as quality time for relationships.
You can't repair all damage and pay all debts in a day or two. You can,
however, use the holidays to make meaningful contact.

o Plan family transformations. This is not the time to confront
Uncle Ed about his drinking or to force Mom to finally open up.

o Try to overcontrol everyone's interactions in order to put a lid
on conflict and clashes. And don't get upset with anyone else for getting
upset. You're doomed to failure.