I Love You Just the Way You Are

Most marital therapies focus on changing couples' behavior: start doing this, stop doing that. Amid all these transformations, however, one thing has remained constant over the years: marital therapists' mediocre 50 percent success rate.

Now a new approach could boost the odds for couples trying to save their marriage. Psychologists Neil Jacobson, Ph.D., of the University of Washington, and Andrew Christensen, Ph.D., of UCLA, have developed what they call "integrative couple therapy," where the goal isn't to change people's behavior, but to accept and believe in their partner.

In a pilot study in which couples underwent up to six months of weekly sessions, 89 percent said their marriage greatly improved. (For other marital tonics, see "Love Lessons" page 40.) As Jacobson sees it, accepting your partner's flaws and idiosyncrasies doesn't mean settling for a tumultuous, unhappy relationship. "Differences do not automatically lead to conflict," notes Jacobson. He views dissimilarities as "vehicles for intimacy," or opportunities for couples to become closer. "The intimacy you get from loving things about your partner that you didn't like before is more powerful than you can imagine," Jacobson says. And ironically, in removing the demands for partners to change, he finds that a third of them do anyway.

PHOTO (COLOR): "Integrative couple Therapy".

Edited by Peter Doskoch