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As parents, we often struggle with how much to reward, praise, punish and use other types of incentives in raising our kids. In a very interesting, helpful new book, "Strings Attached," author Ruth W. Grant deals with incentives in all kinds of situations, including how parents have better alternatives than incentives for dealing with difficult situations with their children:
Consider a three year old child, afraid to sleep in his own room, and wanting to sleep in his parents' bed. The parents know that they will get no sleep if they allow the child to join them. Let us rule out coercion (locking the child's door until morning) and persuasion (telling the child that there is nothing to be afraid of - true, and a good thing to say, but likely to be totally ineffective).
This leaves bargaining, of which at least two types are possible. In the first case, the parents offer to buy the child a highly desirable toy if the child stays in his own room. In the second case, the parents offer to allow the child to bring a pillow and blanket into their room and sleep on the floor beside their bed. In both cases, everyone will go to sleep (if they are lucky), and that legitimate aim is met. In both cases, the parents present the child with a choice.
Nonetheless, the two sorts of negotiations are quite different in their consequences for "character." The first is an incentive, whereas the second is more like a negotiated agreement where common ground is found after both parties yield something of their ideal position. The lesson of the first for the child is that those with resources (the parents) can legitimately use them to set the terms of a situation to get what they want (although, like some other incentive offers, it may back-fire - suppose the child says "I'd rather sleep in your bed than have the toy").
In contrast, the lesson of the second is that mutual accommodation is possible. The parents set a limit that the child must accept - he can't sleep in their bed. But then, there is a search for a compromise. Moreover, in the first case, the child still goes to bed frightened. In the second, his anxiety is addressed. In fact, the purpose of the negotiation might be said to be, not only a good night's sleep for everyone, but assisting the child in learning to manage anxiety, which is part of a parent's responsibility.
The point is that the two bargains would look quite similar if they were considered simply as trades; voluntary and mutually beneficial transactions. The very real differences between them only appear when parents ask themselves what their purpose is and when they consider what actions might develop their child's strengths and coping capacities. And indeed, these are just the sorts of questions concerned parents worry about.
For information about the book, check out:
http://www.facebook.com/stringsattachedbook
