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Key points
- Be honest with yourself about your goals for dating before you start.
- Meet your matches relatively quickly to check compatibility before getting too deep into the virtual relationship.
- Figure out what isn't negotiable in your future partner, and consider when and how to disclose important personal information.
When it comes to online dating, the most common thing I hear from clients is more of a guttural noise than a comment. An "ugh" or sigh accompanied by an eye roll or a shoulder slump often followed by, “Why can’t I just meet someone the old-fashioned way?” Of course, a chance encounter at a supermarket or a set up through a friend is possible. But online dating has opened up opportunities for millions of people whose friends are all already married or who order more often through Instacart than take the trip to the store. The more important goal would be to make online dating more palatable rather than removing it. These five tips can help make dating in the digital domain less daunting.
1. Be Honest with Yourself
If you watch The Bachelor you know how often they ask if the contestants are there for the “Right Reasons.” Ask yourself the same question. What exactly am I looking for at this point in my life? It is okay to use dating apps to do just that, date. You can be social and go out for dinners or drinks without being committed to marriage. You can also just want to hook up! But if you are really looking for love and marriage then approach it with the mindset.
Online dating can feel like a job sometimes, it sure can take up enough of your time, but do you go to a new job without an understanding of your role? Of course not. Chart out your intentions. Be clear first with yourself what your plan is and then approach the apps with that in mind. This prevents you from feeling bad about breaking it off with someone after three just okay dates if they don’t meet your future goals. It also can allow you to let loose with a potential player just for the night without regrets. If you know what you’re looking for, you will have a clearer picture when you find it.
2. Set Your Non-Negotiables
Sit down and write out your top five can’t-live-without-it, must have no matter what, non-negotiable traits you are looking for in a partner. The traits cannot be superficial or things that can change with the season. For example, you don’t want to say “must have a great job” because many wonderful people can go through bouts of unemployment or career changes and still be an amazing partner. Instead, you can look for someone who is “hardworking” or “passionate.” Those are traits that are part of their personality, or values they hold about themselves. Look for the characteristics that are fixed, anchored to who the person is at their core. Yes, you may want someone described as “hot,” but more important you may want someone who is “athletic” or “bold,” so when some of their looks fade, their need for adventure doesn’t. Lastly, notice how I only said five traits. Keep it small so you aren’t looking for a unicorn. And when you date someone who doesn’t align with your non-negotiables, you can feel good about moving on.
3. Get the First Meeting Over with Fast
As soon as you feel a connection with someone, meet them! Do not spend a ton of energy writing novellas back and forth via text. If you liked their profile enough to message, and subsequent messaging got you intrigued, then go for it. Set up a coffee, walk, or drink to see how you vibe when the phones are down. Don’t waste time and energy thinking you have a connection when you don’t even know if they leave a reasonable tip or blow snot rockets instead of using a tissue. As anyone who has watched Catfish can attest to, the Internet is not always the most sincere or honest of spaces. Someone who is a poet online can be awkward IRL. So get it over with quickly before you fall for a false flag.
4. Plan Your Self-Disclosures
It’s important to be honest with a potential partner. Do you want kids? Are you okay if someone already has kids? Do you already have kids? There are critical items you need and should include in your profile and first chats. Don’t waste your time with someone who has no intention of ever getting married again if you dream of your special day. But some disclosures can wait until after you establish a connection. For example, you may have a lot of student debt you’re making your way through. If you tell a date about it the first time you meet, they may write you off as a financial obligation or someone looking for a handout. But, if you get to know someone, find yourself on date four and feeling it might really go somewhere, now would be a good time to let them know what you’re dealing with. At that point, if someone is feeling good about you too, they may not mind seeing your struggles and won’t do a slow fade.
5. Be Kind to Yourself
Back in the day, you found your partner because they lived in your apartment building or because you needed to combine farms. Nowadays, the number of factors that play into meeting your match far outnumber counting cows. It’s important to be really honest with yourself that it’s not an easy process, but one you’re willing to work at. Practice telling yourself, “I’m giving it my best shot” or “That didn’t work out but I’m still enough.” Often people get stuck in the mindset that there is something wrong with them if online dating isn’t working. Instead, remember that even if there are plenty of fish in the sea, the ocean is a big body of water that needs the patience of a fisherman to make the catch. It’s okay to feel frustrated, and absolutely okay to take breaks from online dating, but don't lose sight that you deserve love as much as anybody.
