A Narcissist Overcommunicates or Undercommunicates

A narcissist often blames others for communicating poorly, yet the narcissist may actually be the one with the issue. A narcissist may overcommunicate by endlessly lecturing and instructing others because they believe they are superior. TBut they may also tend to undercommunicate. When uncomfortable, they immediately strike out angrily, or completely withdraw, instead of discussing what they are feeling.

Although a narcissist may act arrogantly, it's probably a cover up as they are more likely to be profoundly insecure. In a relationship, they may not be sturdy enough to tolerate being wrong, so instead of listening to your perspective and considering a different viewpoint, they repeatedly reiterate their own. Often their monologue has a “lecture” type of a feel, which can be irritating because it seems like they are talking down to you and dismissing your take on things.

Also, a narcissist frequently enjoys being the center of attention, so when they get comfortable in the relationship, they monopolize conversations with stories about themselves and their experiences. Often, they relate everything back to themselves and rarely focus on your plight.

Like the tendency to over-communicate, their style of under-communicating may also be frustrating for those around them. Again, due to deep-rooted insecurity, they may not be strong enough to grapple with their own uncomfortable emotions. In place of recognizing and talking about these important feeling states, they often lash out in a defensive manner, attacking others and shifting the blame. This shields them from having to “look in the mirror.” The refusal to look inward and identify what they are truly feeling prevents them from being authentically vulnerable and genuinely close to others.

After undercommunicating by lashing out or withdrawing, the narcissist may transition back to overcommunicating through the use of a victim stance. In lieu of opening up and talking about specific and real feelings, they may “play the victim.” When this occurs you may hear a diatribe about others who have “wronged them,” including you. They believe this is why they are not responsible for their own actions and words. This “victim” monologue may play on repeat for quite some time.

Direct communication in a relationship may be the key to its vitality. In a healthy relationship, the ability to grapple and discuss uncomfortable emotions helps to resolve conflict. It also allows for a better understanding of a loved one and increases closeness and trust. Without direct communication, the misunderstandings and suffering may increase exponentially. You may be opening up about your hurt while your partner is withholding, and justifying their insensitive and unkind actions and words, and things are rarely resolved.

If you find yourself with a person who has a narcissistic style of communication and either over or under communicates, it may be necessary to again additional information about how to move forward with this person. In my book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist: Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and in Life, you may find the guidance you need.