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“So, what do you do?”
Meet someone new at a cocktail party or coffeeshop, and this is one of the first questions that will come out of your mouth. In our culture, it’s pretty much a reflex. It’s a no-brainer. It’s easy. Safe. Personal but not too personal.
And it can be a conversational kiss of death.
What’s Wrong with It?
First off, it makes it really hard to leave work behind when socializing. Even if we truly enjoy our work, many of us don’t care to discuss it when we’re out of the office, especially in the superficial way we do with people we don’t know well (“Oh, yes, my job is fine.”). But “what do you do?” practically forces us to bring work with us wherever we go. So much for work-life balance.
“What do you do?” also implicitly equates work with identity: you are what you do. And it’s all too easy to quickly – and often inaccurately – size someone up because of what they do. Once you know someone’s job, particularly when it’s all you know, a cascade of stereotypes is activated. Income, education level, power, social class, and even political or religious leanings are automatically inferred. These stereotypes will invariably color your interaction with this person in subtle but important ways.
A Better Opener
Wouldn’t it be more interesting and fun to connect with someone on a different level? Consider bringing up passions and hobbies instead of work life. By and large, these are a much greater equalizer than are careers. They can create common ground, forging connections rather than building walls. Who cares if you occupy different levels in some workplace hierarchy when you're also both trying to conquer your first marathon or learn to play the guitar?
How do you connect on this level? Simple. Instead of “What do you do?” consider “What are you into?” “What do you do for fun?” or even “What are you passionate about?”
And consider changing the way you respond to “What do you do?" when it inevitably comes your way. Turn the tables by saying something like,
“I work in sales, but what I’m really into is raising corgis.”
“I’m a business major, but I’m also training for my first triathlon.”
“I’m a hair stylist, but I'm hoping to start a catering business on the side.”
While the person you're talking to may have little interest in or understanding of the world of sales, business, or hair styling, he’s likely more compelled by dogs, exercise, and cooking, especially when he sees how excited you are to be talking about these things. Sharing your passions can't help but enliven you and bring out your best and most authentic self. Now that's fuel for a meaningful connection!
