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Key points
- Teaching kids to persevere is a parenting touchstone.
- Quitting, however, can be developmentally appropriate, and important for growth.
- Kids may need to quit things in order to prioritize their focus.
- Intentional discussions can guide families through these tough conversations.
Amy, 14, and her parents, Sara and John, joined the Zoom meeting from their living room. Amy’s expression told me right away that something was up.
Sara started things off, by saying that Amy, a high school freshman, just told them she wanted to quit soccer. Amy rolls her eyes and tells me that her mom is lying—she only wants to quit the travel team but keep playing JV at school. John worried that quitting now would keep Amy from playing in college and it would be shirking a commitment that she made to the team.
Amy let out a deep sigh—the type only a 14-year-old can—and said with increasing distress, “You guys don't understand. I’m never going to play soccer in college and I just want to see my friends on the weekends. You can’t make me do this!”
I ask everyone to take a breath, grab a snack, and regroup on the couch in five minutes.
Quitting Things Is Part of Growing Up
“Quitters never win and winners never quit” runs deep in our collective awareness. But it’s a dangerous myth.
In fact, successful people have made many choices about what to keep doing and what to quit. Whether it’s a writer who decided to never take another math class again after freshman year of college, or an athlete who chose one sport to excel in and dropped others, adults who succeed persevere in things that serve them and let go of things that don’t. Teaching children how to make those decisions is just as important as teaching them how to persevere in the face of challenges.
When Amy and her parents re-joined Zoom, my first step was to encourage Amy to talk while her parents listened quietly—no interruptions. Active listening doesn’t come naturally, but it’s powerful.
With some encouragement, Amy explained that she felt overwhelmed by her new school schedule. She had honors classes and a special performing arts track; she also had soccer practice until 5 p.m., and games went even later. By the time she got home, showered, and ate dinner she couldn't start homework until at least 7 p.m.—and that was taking hours. She said her assignments seemed like so much more than last year in eighth grade. Once she gets into bed, she said, she just wants a few minutes to text with her friends.
Children Balance a Lot of Demands
Sara and John said, almost in unison, that the family puts all devices in the kitchen to charge at bedtime. They realized now that Amy had been more resistant to this policy since school started.
Amy burst into loud sobs, saying that was the only time for her to talk to her friends—and when she gave up her phone she had trouble falling asleep because she worried about what she was missing. Through short breaths, she said that she wasn't in the same classes as her friends—and with only 20 minutes for lunch, she barely saw them.
Her parents interjected that school and extracurriculars should be priorities, but I reminded them that Amy’s need to connect with her friends was also a developmental priority. They already knew that, but they were trying to work through their fear of Amy getting off track on her road to college while understanding that she needed time to be with her friends.
3 Strategies to Talk About Quitting
Before the meeting ended, I coached Amy's parents on some tools to try while continuing the conversation at home. I reviewed my top three:
- actively listening
- checking their own anxiety
- keeping in mind that learning how to quit is just as crucial as learning how to persist
Listening to your child’s concerns is the most important tool in this discussion. Try to listen without rushing in to offer your ideas, your own experiences, or your ideas about how they should be feeling or thinking. Be open and curious about what’s on their mind and know that their feelings right now are real and valid—and no matter how much we may not understand them, we need to respect them.
The second most powerful tool in navigating these discussions is keeping our cool and noticing our own anxiety about quitting. Kids pick up on it and it factors into their fears.
We need to give them space to respond to their own needs and not crowd those out with our emotional reactions. It’s not that we won’t have emotions, but being aware of where we are coming from makes a big difference in how these conversations go.
Finally, it’s essential to maintain awareness that learning how to let go of something go is just as important as learning how to stick things out. Try not to come from a default position that quitting is always bad. Quitting may open new doors for a child, or it can help maintain their mental health and therefore open doors down the road.
A Thoughtful Resolution
Amy and her parents continued the conversation at home, with some of our guidelines in mind. Sara messaged me the next week to say that Amy did choose to quit travel soccer and was joyfully planning a weekend activity with her friends.
Night time cell phone routines seemed a little less fraught, but they were a work in progress. It also turned out that Sara and John were also a bit relieved to have some free time on the weekend.
Quitting is not always the right thing, but sometimes it's exactly what your child—and you—may need.
