How Fathers-in-Law and Sons-in-Law Can Get Along Better

With more than 2 million couples marrying each year in the U.S., understanding in-law relationships, beyond cartoon caricatures of mothers-in-law, is of vital importance. Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are the most commonly studied of these relationships. But what about the men? Little is known about fathers-in-law and their relationships with their sons-in-law. Sure, we may have a broad understanding of how these guys, at their worst, might clash, from movies like Meet the Fockers but we have few specifics about everyday relationships that might help people manage them.

In-law Relationships

Michael Woolley and I (2021) surveyed more than 250 fathers-in-law and directed in-depth interviews with close to another 300. Based on our research, here are five points that need to be considered when looking at these relationships—from the father-in-law’s perspective:

1. They are often involuntary. There are exceptions within certain cultural and religious groups, but generally parents have little say in who their children marry. A daughter, or son, may bring home a man as a son-in-law whom the parents do not approve. A father may express disapproval but it may come at great peril to their parent-child relationship. Accommodation is a goal on everyone’s part but may be especially hard for parents if they are concerned about their child’s well-being and what the marriage may mean for their own future; for example, if they were hoping that their adult child might take care of them at some point.

2. There is good news: Despite the involuntary nature of the relationships, the fathers-in-law we surveyed (through Qualtrics) were generally positive about their sons-in-law. More than two-thirds agreed or strongly agreed that they were close with their son-in-law, trusted him, admired him, and enjoyed spending time with him. With all of these statements, the “agrees” outnumbered the “strongly agrees,” indicating that there was closeness, if not extreme closeness. We conclude from this that, for the most part, these relationships work — about one-in-six were highly strained — a finding that is consistent with our comparable research on how sons-in-law feel about their fathers-in-law.

3. Having grandchildren can help. Those fathers-in-law with grandchildren were closer with their sons-in-law than those without grandchildren. Most believed their son-in-law was good father material and almost no fathers-in-law reported that their relationship with their son-in-law worsened with the birth of the next generation.

4. When communication between the two men was direct and did not flow through the father-in-law’s daughter (or son), the relationship was stronger. When two people can work things out and not go through a third person, a maneuver that can lead to triangulation, it is easier for both parties to understand each other. This is where we need to consider the communication style not only of the father-in-law but of the son-in-law. If the son-in-law is not interested in directly communicating and would rather have communication flow through his spouse, it may be a sign of a lack of closeness from the father-in-law’s perspective. Familial styles of cross-generation interaction are often learned from one’s culture (e.g., we show respect to elders) and from one’s family of origin (e.g., we do not talk about feelings) and the two men may not match up on those characteristics.

5. Finally, the spouse of the son-in-law — the father-in-law’s child — plays a key part in the men’s relationship. She (or he) can encourage or discourage it. She may have specifically asked her husband to get closer to her father, or she may have warned him away from her father. How she treats her father is a bellwether of what the relationship between the two men can be.

Clinicians and family members need to achieve a basic understanding of what elements affect in-law relationships to help make them successful if and when in-laws issues appear in therapy. Serovich and Price, writing more than 20 years ago, hypothesized that men denied conflict. Others have written about how men tend to under-react to their own emotions. The socialization of men affects how they will interact with each other and these two in-law groups may unconsciously agree to under-react to any emotional strain that arises in service of pleasing their spouse as well as themselves. The men may have low expectations for each other emotionally, although most fathers do want to stay close to their children after they marry, and staying on good terms with their child-in-law is a way to increase the chances that this will happen. Those who understand these complex relationships can help along the way.