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In 2008, I did a post for Psychology Today Blogs on "Delayed Ejaculation." Delayed ejaculation is when a man is not able to ejaculate during intercourse or oral sex with a partner, but can often ejaculate while masturbating. That post has received nearly 100,000 views.
Since then, I’ve written a chapter on Delayed Ejaculation for my book on sex. That chapter took me almost a year to research and write, and I’ve since revised it three times. I can’t help but feel embarrassed that in 2008 I thought I could cover the subject of Delayed Ejaculation in a single blog post!
We still know little about delayed ejaculation. But this doesn’t stop people from making unfortunate assumptions about it. The latest is that Delayed Ejaculation is caused by porn consumption, with men who watch porn needing more and more stimulation in order to ejaculate. I suppose that might be a reasonable assumption if Delayed Ejaculation hadn’t existed before the Internet, and DSL brought us easy access to porn, or if close to 98 percent of men who consume porn don’t have Delayed Ejaculation.
Delayed Ejaculation is complex, and it can be difficult. But I hope you'll take solace from the wisdom of a colleague who has been married for 30 years to a man with Delayed Ejaculation. She told me that once they gave up on trying to “cure” him and concentrated on enjoying their sex life instead, the sex has been very good. She now laments the years they spent in therapy trying to fix his problem.
Another thing to understand about the Delayed Ejaculation is the reverse misogyny that surrounds it. If a woman can’t have an orgasm during intercourse but can have an orgasm while masturbating, we consider her to be perfectly normal. But when the same thing happens to a man, we give it a name that implies pathology.
Rather than write more about Delayed Ejaculation, I thought I would post some of the fascinating comments that PT Blogs readers have made about their experience with Delayed Ejaculation—both men who have the condition and women whose partners have Delayed Ejaculation.
One of the themes in these comments is anger and blame, with women blaming themselves for the man’s condition, and men blaming themselves. This is unfortunate and unnecessary, but very understandable.
The idea that sex isn’t good unless a man ejaculates is shortsighted and unfortunate. If Delayed Ejaculation is a problem for you or your partner, I hope you’ll look over the following reader comments. And I hope you’ll do as my friend and colleague did: Stop trying to fix the man. Instead, work on enjoying sexual intimacy together.
- "My ex-boyfriend had this problem, but he is proud of it. It is extremely painful for me, and even more mentally painful that he doesn’t want to change. Hence, ex-boyfriend."
- "I’m a healthy, young male. And sometimes, I just can’t finish. A solid amount of time, she’s positively glowing, but I can’t come. I think she handles it quite well—if she knows I won’t finish, she’ll just cuddle me and tell me it was good, that she enjoyed it."
What I’m saying is that both partners need to be understanding—the male needs to understand he is not a failure (particularly if she enjoyed it), and the female needs to understand that making him feel like a failure will likely set up a self-perpetuating cycle—more commonly referred to as performance anxiety.
My marriage has been sexless for over 20 years because of this. I spent thousands of dollars with many different kinds of therapists over the years to try and get it fixed. When I first started seeking help in the ’90s, the knowledge about this problem on the part of Sex Therapists was in the Dark Ages with some believing it was caused by a subconscious hatred of women or religious scruples.
The therapists would give their patients bizarre “homework assignments,” which would put a spotlight on the man’s ability to cum (or not), thus raising anxiety levels through the roof and guaranteeing failure. Not to mention causing the female partner to further doubt her sexual attractiveness. Today more is known but this still remains one of the male sexual dysfunctions with the lowest cure rate.
- "My sweetie is 40, I’m older. We’ve been doing what we’ve been doing for over 10 years; our sessions are roughly an hour. He gives me perfect oral (so I get off pretty quick). He prefers to finish himself by hand on my chest."
- "We’ve discussed it & he says it’s just how he works & I believe him. if he's OK with it then so am I (as long as he's happy)."
- "I don't have a problem with the duration."
- "Once in a while, he doesn't climax (& once in a while I don't)."
- "Only a small group of women climax with penetration—why can't there be a small group of men? As long as there aren’t any health issues..."
Thank You for Covering This Issue!
- "I have been with my ‘sweetie’ for only a short while.... and he is not cumming with me. He is opting, like yours to masturbate to finish. I am telling myself this is just him. I am getting what I need, and better than ANY other partner I have had before. BUT he does not finish with me. This is a first for me. He doesn’t not choose to cum WITH me. The choice to masturbate instead of cum inside of me or with me is such a foreign choice. It makes me question my skill, my ability and I am just not sure how to handle it."
- "I am in a very new relationship and my partner is clearly dealing with delayed ejaculation. I am very fond of him, respect him tremendously and do not want to deepen this issue by discussing it on a regular basis. I have brought it up and have been told that it has been several years since he has had a ‘normal ejaculation’ with a female."
- "I have suggested ‘less masturbation,’ ‘less porn,’ all based on what I am reading, and he seems open to it but I do not want him to go into hiding with these things or begin to feel stressed with me in any way....and he seems at this point to still be open with me."
- "He is able to cum through masturbation in my presence and finish through oral stimulation, but I am craving a connection through intercourse. My ego and heart desires the connection I have had with EVERY other partner, and unfortunately, now I am questioning myself, my skill, and my ability."
- "Now, I am even beginning to wonder WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG! What can I do differently? I have read everything! I see it is really not me, but that doesn’t seem to ease my mind...."
- "I don’t know if my emotions can handle watching him continue to masturbate himself to the ‘finish line’ over and over again..."
- "I was so interested to read your comment and immediately identified with your situation. I too am in a new relationship and am desperate to discuss this with him. I have never been with a guy who had delayed ejaculation, and for some reason, it is crushing my confidence. I cannot be too intrusive and really don’t want to make him feel worse or for me to come over as demanding. Just wondering if you managed to sort the problem eventually? We have been together for 8 months and sexual intercourse can last for over an hour rarely resulting in him ejaculating. He says he just likes concentrating on me? Don’t know what to do... I really need some advice!
- "I’m also in a long-term sexless marriage, because I can’t cum when having sex with my wife. I went to a couple of different therapists but nothing they tried helped, and so I just gave up trying to have sex. My wife and I just got so frustrated and trying all these Sex Therapy exercises at home was very humiliating to both of us because nothing my wife was told to try worked."
- "I can masturbate OK alone (but not with my wife in the room) and actually I have a very high sex drive. I need to masturbate every day and sometimes twice a day. On a therapist’s advice I once stopped masturbating for 6 weeks then tried again to have sex with my wife but not only couldn’t I cum I would also lose my erection in the middle of sex."
- "I have had paid for sex once or twice in the 25 years I have been married and one brief affair and if both those circumstances I didn’t have any trouble cumming. Although in the last few weeks of the affair, which only lasted a few weeks , I started having trouble cumming with the woman so I broke it off."
- "I really miss skin to skin sex. My last physical sexual encounter with a woman was almost 15 years ago now. I am very lonely sometimes and I get angry when I see couples who are having a lot of sex. I’m a good looking guy who is very financially successful, and I see these dorky-looking guys, some don’t even have jobs, and they are having sex with lots of women. Sometimes I think it's just not fair."
