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Confidence
The Confidence Gap: Why Women Don't Speak Up for Their Success
Women often discount their abilities and shrug off praise.
Posted June 26, 2024 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- Consciously or unconsciously, women th emselves often buy into gender stereotyping.
- Confidence is believing in yourself and trusting you have what it takes.
- Being prepared to respond to belittling acts can be scary, but it can help women build self-confidence.
Samantha was an up-and-comer in her profession and as an entrepreneur was sought after for her expertise. A male colleague recommended her for a civic committee appointment. She accepted and joined the group.
As she walked into the room for the first meeting, her confidence flew out the window. Seated at the table, were elected officials and CEOs of major companies donating their time for the good of their city. Samantha was the youngest in the room and stepping into her first participation on such a committee. She was so intimidated she could barely speak.
Samantha’s intimidation was reinforced when, expressing her ideas, she was consistently interrupted by men on the committee. When the group’s final report was delivered to the city and the committee’s assignment was completed, the male colleague who recommended her got in touch. He asked her why she had been so quiet throughout the process. He went on to say that she had so much to offer yet seemed reluctant to do so.
As she thought about his comments and her participation, she knew he was right. The call prompted her to not only reflect on the situation but also to take steps to build her confidence and develop a strong voice.
Samantha started with a promise to herself to add value to every meeting with a comment or suggestion and to eliminate qualifiers such as, “This may not be a good idea but . . .” She replaced them with strong statements like, “I have a new strategy I would like to put forth . . .” In addition, Samantha stepped into something she dreaded the most, public speaking. She started speaking to small groups of 10 or less and worked her way up to a conference of over 3,000 people!
Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, authors of The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance—What Women Should Know, observe, “In two decades of covering American politics as journalists, we realized, we have between us interviewed some of the most influential women in the nation. In our jobs and our lives, we walk among people you would assume brim with confidence. And yet our experience suggests that the power centers of this nation are zones of female self-doubt—that is, when they include women at all.
Why is it that women often doubt their abilities, ignore praise, and underrate and understate their talents and strengths?
Gender stereotyping inaccurately distorts views of the strengths, talents, and expertise of women. Stereotypes can be self-inflicted wounds when women buy into them, whether consciously or unconsciously. They are especially problematic for women because, if believed, they can create a poor self-image that impacts the ability to advance professionally.
In 2021, researchers at Utah State University’s Women and Leadership Project (UWLP) conducted an extensive program to collect and analyze data on stereotypes and sexist comments that undervalue women. Here are some of the comments they heard from women:
“I was told that I could participate in a vendor meeting but I should not comment. If I have information to share, I should talk to my male peer and have him provide my feedback.”
“I was told no woman who had children under the age of 6 had any business being outside the home.”
“I overheard my supervisor tell the boss once that he wished they didn’t have to hire any women as women just cause drama.”
‘You are really smart for someone as pretty as you are.’”
“As a woman, you are too aggressive.’”
“I can’t believe your husband lets you have such a demanding job. What does your husband think of this?”
“I hired a woman, and she is doing a really good job. I never expected this. I might hire more.”
Statements like these hold women back, and the shock value leaves them struggling for a quick and appropriate response.
In June 2023, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that labor force participation rate for women in their prime working age hit an all-time high of 77.8%. Sadly, big barriers still exist, including the fact that women continue make considerably less than their male colleagues. According to the Pew Research Center, in 2022 women earned 82 cents for every dollar a man earned, scant movement from the 80 cents earned in 2002. This is a bleak statistic for sure.
What if women's confidence to speak up can make a difference?
When Megan worked at a mostly male investment banking firm and realized her peers were making almost double her salary, she confidently discussed the discrepancy with her boss. He increased her salary to match that of her colleagues.
“Weak self-confidence may hold some women back as they count themselves out of pursuing prestigious roles in professions they believe they won’t excel in, despite having the skills to succeed." says Katherine B. Coffman, an associate professor and researcher at Harvard Business School. "To achieve professional success, people must voice opinions and advocate for their ideas while working in decision-making teams, so it’s a problem if women are staying quiet and if their ideas are appreciated less when they do express them.”
In her research focused on beliefs men and women have about their own abilities, Coffman finds that "women are more likely than men to shrug off praise and lowball their own abilities.”
Confidence is believing in yourself and trusting that you have what it takes to meet challenges with successful results. It is having the courage to know that your voice and input matter.
Being prepared to respond to belittling statements and actions can sometimes be scary, but it can expose inappropriate actions and comments and help women build self-confidence.
