What Does a Narcissist Reflect Back to You About Yourself?

We often talk about narcissists needing to see their reflection in others, to surround themselves with people who can reflect back to them what they want to see. It can also be useful to apply this concept to those who are involved with a narcissist and ask, “What does a narcissist reflect back to me about myself?”

Although narcissistic abuse is often subtle in nature, relying on manipulation and deceit, it may also be stark. If you’re on the receiving end of it, you’ll likely know that you only have a limited range of moves. If you step out of line, even very slightly, the narcissist may respond quickly and effectively. Your choices are in many ways limited to what suits the narcissist; they cannot tolerate anyone who acts in a way that questions their view of the world.

You may, therefore, have to reflect the narcissist’s view of themselves and the world back to them. But what’s being reflected back to you as a result? What do you see in yourself as the result of being involved with a narcissist?

Source: Olena Yacobchuck, 123rf

1. Control

If you act exactly as the narcissist wants you to, they’ll reflect back to you that they have complete control over you. You’ll see that you are there primarily to serve their needs and you’ll see how unimportant your own needs are in comparison. You may even see that they need you, that they “love” or care for you at some level, and that you are important to them—all of which can make it very hard to leave a narcissist.

2. Loss of identity

In this stark, dark mirror, you might see a reflection of someone who is fading away, someone whose needs, opinions, and dreams have slowly eroded as you put those of the narcissist first. You might see someone you don’t even recognise, because you have been drawn into the narcissist’s dirty work—including, perhaps, the side-taking and the smear campaigns against others—which likely inherently goes against your better values. When you see your reflection, you might see someone who you don’t like because of the impact the narcissist has had on your self-esteem.

3. Enmeshment

When you see what the narcissist reflects back to you, you’ll see a self who is so entwined with the narcissist that it’s difficult to work out where you start and they end. Instead, the image may be enmeshed as so many of your thoughts and actions revolve around placating the narcissist and serving their needs.

4. Trapped

Perhaps when you look at your reflection, you see someone who is trapped in the mirror. It can be hard to imagine not being part of a narcissist’s life—to have any concept of what it might be like to be free from this version of you, viewed through their reflective lens. It may be so long since you put your own needs first, or had the freedom to make independent decisions, that you can’t see yourself stepping out of the mirror.

Often, the only solution to seeing a different reflection is to remove yourself from the narcissist completely so that you are free from their distorted view of the world. This isn’t easy, given the level of control that narcissists typically hold over others; it can also be challenged by the practicalities of family dynamics—including children you may have had with the narcissistic partner—as well as financial pressures. But it may be the only way to avoid fading so completely that you can’t even see a reflection of who you used to be.