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Family Dynamics
Why I Estranged Myself From My Family for the Second Time
Taking the tragic decision to cut ties is bitterly painful.
Posted September 26, 2020 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Distancing myself from most of my family is one of the biggest disappointments of my life. Like my clients who have taken the decision to estrange themselves from their families, my dealings with my siblings left me feeling anxious and unhappy before I took myself completely out of the family loop (with the exception of my mother and one of my brothers). My need to cut ties with family members happened over a period of about 10 years,
None of these incidents, nor my response, came out of nowhere. With every family member I distanced myself from, I was shaken and depressed and often thought of initiating contact. But I realised the rot went far beyond any individuals. Getting involved with any one of them would mean getting pulled back into the difficult family environment in which I was raised.
For my clients who are part of a toxic family, engaging with the the family means leaving your ethics and values at the door and stepping into a zone that should have had a huge sign saying “DANGER—ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” If you are OK with subverting your own values and ethics, you are welcome. In my case, as I cut my ties with individual family members, I felt my grief subside as I learned to breathe easier.
I had made peace with this state of affairs—after all, I hadn’t spoken to my siblings for between 7 and 15 years and I still maintained contact with my mum and one of my brothers. As I focused on my own partner and children, I felt disconnected from my 3 siblings to the point where I barely thought of them. Any dislike had subsided—they just weren’t a part of my life.
Until mum had a stroke and ended up in the hospital.
My first instinct was to call them all. Put aside my differences. Share the news, bury the hatchet, and experience our sense of shared shock and grief together. I was so happy to have my brothers and sister back in my life. We were OK at first and, I reasoned, we’d all matured in the intervening period.
And then, the rot began to appear in little patches, a dot of toxic mould here and there. A slightly threatening comment from my brother, which I let lie. The occasional racist remark or passive-aggressive action, which I chose to ignore. I knew we were all stressed and held my tongue in order to maintain peace.
Slowly, as I was drawn in, the pressure began to mount, I remembered why I had estranged myself from these people with whom I felt no connection. I felt increasingly uncomfortable and drawn into old family ties. I felt pushed into taking sides in order to help out the brother I'd always stayed in touch with. I'd changed, drastically, over the past 10 years or so and was expected to slot into my old roles alongside those of my siblings.
By trying hard to stay out of the mess which was being stirred around me, I’d inadvertently become embroiled in it anyway. Hearing lies against my brother and myself was the final straw. “I hate this family!” I yelled. “That’s why I haven’t spoken to you for years!”
I was shocked and horrified at the explosive passion which erupted from me. For two months, I’d managed to keep a lid on it, feeling pushed into silence; fearful of upsetting my siblings. When I couldn't take any more, years of anger and resentment surfaced.
I blocked my three siblings from my phone. Estranged again. Am I happy with the outcome? No. But the extreme anxiety which I had experienced almost continuously for two months began to lessen the instant I made my decision to block them all and cut my ties.
With hindsight, I would never have allowed myself to be drawn back in quite so deeply but I had experienced desperation to be part of my siblings’ experience, united as we were through mum’s illness, which blinded me to some of the more sinister goings-on.
When is it time to cut your ties? For me, it was at the point where I couldn’t hold onto any of my values and where I was physically and mentally ill. For others, that point may be far sooner.
Facebook image: fizkes/Shutterstock
