3 Key Pathways to Lifelong Love

From “happily ever after” fairy tales to romance movies, as a society we seem to relish the concept of love and marriage. But chances for lifelong love are varied and slim. Researchers noted in a 2021 report: “The number, timing, and duration of marriages and divorces [8 per 1,000 marriages] often reflect the changing economic conditions, social norms, and cultural attitudes prevalent in the country, which in turn affect important family characteristics.” (Mayol-García, Census Bureau)

How prevalent is lifelong love? If we view a 25-year marriage as lifelong love, some 35% of all married couples in the United States are celebrating their silver anniversary. Suggestions for attaining this include: accepting change, speaking kindly, picking your battles, and sharing interests.

Although I have written before on lifelong love—6 Science-Based Tips for Lifelong Love—reviewing newer research points to and reaffirms three pathways: creating positive Illusions; expressing gratitude; and finding forgiveness.

Creating positive illusions

In a 2023 study to determine the influence of positive illusions on relationships, George et al. explored these “in the context of personal relationships.” The team reported: “How one views one's partner (positive illusion or objectively) has important consequences on the success of that relationship.”

The researchers defined positive illusions as “the tendency to view self, others, or other phenomena more positively than objective criteria suggest, is common to the human experience.”

Using a data set of 1,030 individuals (including 392 married couples), the team created a comprehensive set of variables relating to marital satisfaction.

Couples were asked to rate their partners on 13 points. These points ranged from emotional engagement and shared activities to family involvement and partner enhancement (often called “positive illusions”).

They concluded: “The only setting in which benefit occurs is when partners rate subjects higher than subjects rate themselves.”

Marcel Zentner, Ph.D., University of Geneva, in 2005 wrote: "Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other." (Zentner, 2005).

The forgiveness factor

Another key pathway to lifelong love is found in the forgiveness factor. Dr. Tyler VanderWeele, Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, says this: “Forgiving a person who has wronged you is never easy, but dwelling on those events and reliving them over and over can fill your mind with negative thoughts and suppressed anger."

He added, "Yet, when you learn to forgive, you are no longer trapped by the past actions of others and can finally feel free." (Harvard Health Publishing Feb 12, 2021).

Dr. VanderWeele is co-director of the Initiative on Health, Religion, and Spirituality.

Some years earlier, Professor Joseph Campbell discussed The Power of Myth with journalist Bill Moyers on PBS. Regarding the essence of marriage, Campbell said, "not cheating, not defecting—through whatever trials or suffering, you remain true."

Moyers added: "In marriage, every day you love, and every day you forgive. It is an ongoing sacrament—love and forgiveness." (Campbell, 2011).

Express gratitude often

In line with forgiveness, a 2020 study on gratitude reported levels of partner gratitude and relationship satisfaction in the Journal of Family Psychology. The team reported that there was a high level of satisfaction when one’s own level of gratitude matched that of their partner. There were 120 newlywed couples in the study asked to report their tendencies to feel and express gratitude for their partner every year for two years and their marital satisfaction every four months for three years.

When both partners reported high gratitude, this was associated with more stable marital satisfaction.

A study published by the Greater Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley, found that gratitude is the “glue” that binds. “Gratitude is critical in promoting relationship maintenance behaviors, such as responsiveness and commitment, and signaling feelings of appreciation between partners that provides a sense of security and communicates the value of a mutually desirable relationship.” (All You Need is Love, Gratitude, and Oxytocin" 2012)

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In essence, couples are more likely to report a satisfied relationship and are less likely to break up when both partners believe that their partner's personality characteristics match the traits they envision in an ideal mate. (McNulty, 2019).

Copyright 2024 Rita Watson, MPH.

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