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‘Tis the season… of budget-busting shopping, hectic vacations, bored kids out of school, and tense family gatherings. Glossy magazines and endless advertising bombard us to create a perfect fairyland of Christmas cheer, bake a cornucopia of elaborate cookies, and shower our children with every shiny new gadget imaginable. In other words, holiday stress too often crowds out holiday cheer. What to do? How to recapture the essence of winter holidays and the promise of a new year? Here are some resolutions, each based on psychological research, in no particular order of importance. What they all have in common is a plan to cut back, simplify and undo. Less is more.
Keep daily structures. Children thrive on regularity and predictability. Daily schedules of wakeup, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bedtime routines become even more important when so much else is changing. Even when traveling or entertaining visitors, try to preserve as much of the everyday routines than your children depend on. If your child—like my grandchild—counts on three storybooks and two lullabies before a goodnight kiss, recruit a visiting grandparent or aunt for this bedtime ritual. They’ll love it.
Disconnect regularly and often. Hopefully, mealtimes at your house already are screen-free zones. During the holidays and vacations, preserving those screen-free times becomes even more important. Research shows that even when a smartphone or tablet is shut down, its physical proximity on the dinner table increases distraction and reduces attention to others. Other research documents that exposure to screens before bedtime interferes with sleep. Help your child (and yourself) really tune into other family members and friends by dedicating screen free times and sticking to them. It can help to set up (and announce to all your contacts) regular email times, not 24/7 availability. A friend of mine answers all non-emergency emails only on weekends. After a bit of grumbling, we’ve all adjusted.
Give the gift of time. Advertising messages tell us to buy, buy, and buy some more. Many of us are stressed by financial and time constraints when faced with a long gift list. We want to show our loved ones we care for them, and the media relentlessly tell us the way to do that is to buy the latest techno-gadget. Why not give your child the precious gift of your time? The promise of a special outing with an often way too busy parent can mean more than yet another fancy stuffed animal. Once you’ve set aside emailing to a specific time slot, you’ll be amazed at the additional hours available.
Emphasize making over buying. A great way to add meaning to a gift (and save money) is to make something from your heart. A holiday card you’ve created with simple materials, like colored construction paper, crayons and glue, will mean more to a child (or a friend) than a glossy off-the-shelf generic greeting.
Encourage your child to be a giver. Holidays often are a time when children (with adult encouragement) focus on what they are going to “get” on Christmas, Hanukah, Kwaanzah or the Winter Solstice. Whatever the celebration, emphasis falls on the child as consumer. Make your holiday more meaningful and stimulate kindness and empathy by encouraging your child to make something or help someone as a gift to others. Projects, like a homemade birdfeeder, make wonderful gifts for other family members. With help from a parent, even young children can be a “secret Santa” or “special friend” to a family member, friend, or person in need.
Destress with nature and animals. Extensive psychological research documents the calming effects of nature walks, visits to parks, or time spent with animals. For example, heart rate slows when petting (or even sitting next to) a friendly dog. The dog feels calmer too! Even if you don’t have pets at home, you can get out into nature, even if it’s a patch of woods. Walking slowly, listening for bird sounds, watching for the scurrying of small creatures underfoot…all of this taps into the healing power of nature.
Build in “down time." Holidays often cause us to program yet more activities and outings to make the season “special.” We end up in crowded malls, spend too much money on holiday shows, and rush from one event to another. Children can benefit from slowing down, having leisure time with parents, or just dawdling an afternoon away playing make-believe, drawing pictures, or reading stories.
Read, read, read. Hooray for vacations from school! But, reading isn’t just for schoolwork or school-time; it’s for life. Even though your child may have put away the schoolbooks, make sure to build in some reading time every day. Even proficient readers enjoy curling up with a parent who reads aloud to them, or takes turns reading aloud. It’s quality time with a parent. Also, research shows that parents’ reading aloud helps children process and interpret even material that they might be able to read alone.
Try something new. Getting out of your comfort zone to try a new activity with your child is a great way to add zip to the holidays. It can be something as simple as a new cookie recipe or as challenging as a mountain hike or a new sport. Just make sure that no judgment is involved. When both parents and children try something new, both generations are on the same level, and children can see how parents deal with failure. So don’t be hard on yourself. Studies confirm the value of failure, not just success, in teaching children about striving and persistence.
Just chill. Most important of all, remember -- this too shall pass. A saying is our household is: “The perfect is the enemy of the good.” So, don’t sabotage an okay holiday dinner by reaching for perfection or bust. Take some deep breaths, put up your feet for a 5 minute break, put on some soft music (or hum it to yourself) and, as they say in my yoga class: OOOOOOhm……
