When and How to Forgive an Unfaithful Partner

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As I describe in a previous post,[i] many partners choose to forgive infidelity. This is true for partners who are surprised by the discovery, as well as those who saw the red flags.[ii] Yet in every case, within committed relationships, disloyalty is betrayal. It can be devastating and destructive to family, friends, and one’s faith community. But it is not the unforgivable sin. Between partners, there are effective methods of forgiving infidelity.[iii]

In many cases, especially when a couple decides to stay together, the unfaithful partner expresses deep remorse and vows never to let it happen again. Yet even absent appropriate repentance, an aggrieved party does not automatically have to adopt a punishing “forgive but never forget” mindset, because forgiving benefits the forgiver.

Benefits of Forgiveness

Forgiveness has long been recognized as a positive, proactive, scriptural, sensible response to indiscretion — for everyone involved. Forgiving betrayal, however, is uniquely challenging. Perhaps not surprisingly, researchers recognize that forgiving relational infidelity involves significant investment from both parties.[iv]

Forgiveness does not mean agreeing to continue the relationship. In some instances, it even provides closure for a partner who was unsettled or unsure about the stability of the relationship in the first place. In other cases, forgiveness is a healthy component of relational dissolution, making a breakup easier to handle for both parties, as well as affected friends and family members. The more practical question in many cases, is not should you forgive, but how do you do it? Research has some answers.

Forgiveness as Proactive and Reactive

Forgiving an unfaithful partner is a choice, yet it also depends on the perception of the guilty partner. Peilian Chi et al. (2019) investigated factors that facilitate forgiveness of an unfaithful spouse from a stress and coping perspective.[v]They note that cognitively, forgiveness involves deciding to put away bitterness and thoughts of revenge, which prompts the restoring of positive emotions. Examining intrapersonal and interpersonal facilitators of forgiveness in a Chinese marital context, they found, among other things, that “solidarity‐oriented personality” and perception of a partner's motivation for reconciliation facilitated empathy, and higher levels of decisional forgiveness, which in turn promoted emotional forgiveness. Regarding the marriage itself, Peilian et al. found that a couple’s strength of marital bond pre-infidelity predicted more emotional forgiveness.

Other research recognizes that forgiveness is prompted by more than proactive decision-making by the innocent spouse. It is also prompted by the persuasiveness of the guilty party.

Menelaos Apostolou and Nikolaos Pediaditakis (2022) examined the process of forgiving infidelity, focusing on the persuasion tactics used by the straying partner.[vi] Researching the tactics culprits use to persuade their partners to forgive their adulterous behavior, they identified 41 acts of persuasion, which they classified into six persuasion tactics, which included insisting it would never happen again, emphasizing the importance of the relationship, blaming the partner for driving them to be unfaithful, and downplaying the importance of their affair. Regarding effectiveness, they found that over 40% of participants indicated that at least one of the tactics would prompt them to forgive their partner.

But forgiveness does not always mean staying together.

Pardon While Parting Ways

Some acts of infidelity are harder to forgive than others, especially when a partner does not express appropriate regret, downplays the incident, or is not committed to preventing future indiscretions. Even in these cases, however, which usually prompt relational dissolution, unwillingness to take a chance that history might repeat itself does not amount to unforgiveness. Forgiveness also has emotional benefits for the forgiving party, while the guilty partner has to live with the consequences of their actions. For the innocent party, forgiveness is emotionally freeing, as they move on to select a new partner who is faithful, reliable, and trustworthy.

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