Loneliness

Lonely Transitions

The start of a new school year could spell loneliness for some people.

Posted September 11, 2014

Fork in the road

The start of a new school year often means the beginning of a new transition. For younger children, it could often mean transitioning to a new school, for young adults, transitioning to college, and for parents, it could mean transitioning to an empty nest or having one less child in the house. These transitions can be both the source of excitement as well as stress. For parents transitioning to an empty nest, for example, it can be a time of growth. Only about 25% of mothers and fathers report experiencing sadness and unhappiness when their last child moves out of the home*. No longer having to expend as much time into looking after a child means that parents can devote their time and energies to other pursuits.

However, transitions can be times where troubling undercurrents rise to the surface. Often times life gets so busy and so routine that problems lying just beneath the surface are suppressed. They are like a noisy background, a distraction, but the busyness of the world allows us to drown out whatever these problems might be. One of these problems is loneliness, the despair and isolation we feel because we really are not connected with others in a meaningful way. It is easier to ignore loneliness when you are surrounded by others and have the opportunity to engage in superficial conversations. I have previously called this functional loneliness. You can also see this when someone loses their job. Previously, while at work, they had their coworkers they could interact with during the day and drown out those pangs of loneliness. But once they are no longer going to work everyday with the mandatory social interaction with co-workers, the background noise of loneliness because much louder and more difficult to ignore.

The same is true for transitions to college and empty nesters. When a young adult moves off to college arguably most of them experience some degree of loneliness. It is a new setting with lots of strangers and they have to try and find their place among the hustle of college. Fraternities, sororities, and other clubs help new college students meet others and begin the process of making new friends. However, for some young adults transitioning to college, they find themselves experiencing loneliness and they just cannot seem to shake it. They have a hard time coping with the transition to college. Why is that? The truth is, for a considerable number of these students, they having always been coping with loneliness. The busyness and routine of their adolescent years gave them the opportunity to ignore their loneliness. The transition to college has brought the underlying problem of loneliness to light and now they realize they cannot just drown it away with the noise of college. Their regular supports (parents, old school friends/acquaintances, hobbies) are gone. College has become a very lonely place.

Similarly with empty nesters. With the children all gone out of the house, there is a lot more time available for other things. In some cases, parents may have been having trouble with their marriage for a while, but did not pay attention to it because all of the attention was spent focusing on the kids. With the children gone, the attention returns to each other. Sometimes this might initiate separation and divorce or a rebuilding of the marriage. In either case, the underlying feelings of loneliness rise to the surface and must be dealt with, as it is no longer as easy to ignore.

Here are some tips to help with transitions:

Realize that most transitions are disruptive. Transitions represent a change in routine and until a new routine is established there is going to be a period of discomfort. Use those feelings of discomfort as a motivation to figure out a new routine in your life that will work for you.

Most people can handle transitions very well. Once the initial period of disruption has passed, most people can establish a new routine and move on.

Some people have trouble making it through a transition. It is important to realize the point at which you get stuck and cannot seem to move on. That is point you have to acknowledge to yourself that you need outside help if you are going to get through this transition. If the transition involves feelings of loneliness and isolation, it might be a good idea to seek a counselor or therapist at this point. If you're a college student, most colleges have a mental health professional available for free for you. If you're a parent, use some of your new found free time to see a therapist. Consider these professionals as helpers in getting you through your transition.

Transitions are an opportunity to try things you have always wanted to try but could not because of your previous routine. Whether you are coping well with your transition or not, use this as the opportunity for growth.