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Relationships
Say No in the Name of Love
How to set boundaries with narcissistic people.
Posted November 8, 2015
Setting boundaries is an art, but, if you are like me, it depends on the circumstances whether or not it is a difficult one. I have learned long ago how to speak up against those who try to overpower or hurt me. When I smell abuse, I am instantly motivated to stand my ground or move out of the line of fire. In these instances I consider it an art only because it requires wisdom to put my foot down in such a way as to not end up in the gutter, but to remain on the path of compassion and inner peace.
However, when it comes to setting boundaries with needy people or full-blown narcissists, it becomes more challenging for the likes of me. Those who assume helping roles in life are prone to losing themselves in the needs of others. Good people – and I am that way, I guess -- want to help, but how can we stop ourselves when we begin to engage in perpetual self-sacrifice, leaving ourselves in the dust, dried out, burned-out, without a hint self-compassion?
Most articles on the issue offer guilt as the explanation, which is essentially a diffuse sense of fear of punishment for being selfish or “not good enough.” The threat of punishment can entail corporal punishment, shame, emotional abandonment, chaos, dysfunction, hell or simply being judged as unworthy and undeserving. While it is usually parents who pose the threat, culture perpetuates it with obvious or subtle messages, reminding the serving class, especially women, what is expected. How can we say No when No means to be bad, unacceptable, unlovable? What is there to be done? You might want to begin to...
One: Investigate
Where does the idea of self-sacrifice come from in your personal circumstances? Who was the needy, helpless or entitled person in your life? What exactly is the punishment for not catering to the other?
Two: Question The Validity Of The Believe
Ask yourself if you believe or wish to continue to believe that saying No to a needy person is sinful or evil. Can it be virtuous to focus on yourself and assure the fulfillment of your own needs? Is it okay to protect yourself from exploitation? Is it good and fair to act lovingly towards your own self? Is subordination beneficial to others as their sense of entitlement becomes reinforced? Do you give others the opportunity to be givers as you play that role so well? Do your children learn to care about others when you don’t ask them to care about you? Wrestling with these issues can initiate long-term changes.
Three: Change Your Philosophy
How can you become a more balanced person, meaning, a person who includes the notion of self-compassion to the general notion of compassion? How does self-compassion fit into your existing philosophy of life? Can you be good and exercise self-love and self-care? Is it possible to become a greater person, a more effective leader, an even bigger heart when you focus also on yourself when the situation calls for it?
Four: Practice
Nothing can substitute for practice which should vary in accordance with the situation. When you first start out, you might simply set a boundary by saying, “I just have to take care of myself here” or “I wish I could be a genie but as it stands, I must do X before I can do Y.” “I’d so love to say Yes, but cannot.” “It is hard to say No, but I must.” “I have to say No in the name of love.”
Sometimes you might even experiment with yourself. Observe your inner reactions as you try out various statements of self-love, such as: “I do love myself very much.” “My needs are very important to me.” “I practice self-compassion as I am as worthy as you/my children.” “I put myself first here because I like the feeling of this.”
When accused of being selfish or of even of having a self (which, in that context, is misunderstood Buddhism/Christianity), just smile and say, “I guess I like a little selfishness if that’s selfishness.” “You don’t seem to like my self-focus, but I do. That’s enough.” Or unequivocally, “I don’t like you saying this. Stop.”
Depending on the circumstances, these statements can be made quietly to yourself or to others out-loud.
Five: Detach From Too Needy People
Once you have identified a full-blown narcissist in your life, someone who feels entitled and hardly reciprocates, consider ending the relationship. If you feel drained just thinking of this person, take it as a hint. Be wise and deliberate about your decision, but do detach as well as you can.
Six: Laugh At Yourself
The older I get, the more I detect subtle cases of codependency. I have relaxed my effort quite a bit and feel in touch with my inner peace as I support others in their own growth. Being a practicing Zen Buddhist, living and breathing the sutras, having written a book for twelve years -- “A Unified Theory of Happiness” – had its effects.... But life is funny. I might just find that I, clandestinely, let imaginary friends take advantage of me. Some are quite dead. Some are not even born. Some are parts of my own experience. Some are inorganic. In these moments I just laugh. Laughing is the best medicine when it comes to absurdities, inconsistencies, and otherwise childish games to impress and to be good. Laugh at your own Ego. It likes to play hide-and-seek. It deserves a good time.
If you like to know why laughter is so powerful, please read “The Origins of Laughter”
NOTE: If this post in any way “spoke” to you, and you believe in might to others also, please consider sending them its link. Moreover, if you you’d like to read other articles I’ve written for Psychology Today, click here.
© 2015 Andrea F. Polard, PsyD. All Rights Reserved.
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