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Narcissism
Do All Narcissists Move From Verbal Abuse to Physical Abuse?
How to tell if your narcissistic mate is likely to become violent.
Posted August 4, 2024 Reviewed by Margaret Foley
Key points
- Many narcissists escalate from verbally abusing their partner to physical abuse.
- The first line of defense for partners is to put up firm boundaries with consequences for overstepping them.
- There are fairly reliable ways to predict which narcissists will become physically abusive.
Virtually all of my clients in an intimate relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder report being verbally abused by their partner. Unfortunately, some partners do not stop at verbal abuse and eventually escalate to physical abuse.
How Does the Physical Abuse Start?
Most of the narcissists who become physically abusive start small. During a fight, they may grab their partner’s arm, throw something, or make threats. If their partner does not immediately stop them and put up a firm boundary, they are likely to eventually escalate the abuse. During future fights, they may slap, shake, shove, or punch their partner.
What Does a Firm Boundary Look Like?
As soon as your mate physically menaces you in any way, you need to clearly state something like the following:
If you do that again, we are finished. I will leave and never come back. If you are angry or unhappy with me, we can sit down and talk about it like grown-ups. You are not allowed to physically abuse me in any way.
It is important not to back down. If your partner decides to test you, you need to ask them to leave immediately. If you have been living at your partner’s place, call a friend to come over to help you pack your things and go. If your mate tries to prevent you from leaving, call the police.
How Do I Know if My Partner Will Escalate to Physical Abuse?
Not all people with NPD go from verbal abuse to physical abuse. You can often get a good idea of who will become physically abusive by looking for factors that increase the likelihood of physical abuse and for the absence of protective factors that discourage physical abuse.
Note: In this post, I use the terms narcissist, narcissistic, and NPD as shorthand for describing a person who qualifies for a full diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
Predictors of Physical Abuse
1. History of Physical Abuse: If they have ever physically abused a prior mate, they probably do not have the psychological “brakes” that prevent most of us from harming our intimate partners.
Example: My client June was in love with a man who had beaten his first wife until she was deaf in one ear. June found him wildly attractive and told me she was having the best sex of her life with him.
Because of his history of violence toward women, we had already spoken about her need to be on guard against his trying to physically intimidate her. So far, he had been a perfect gentleman.
Then came his office party. He insisted that June wear the sexy red dress that he had picked out. June wanted to wear something more modest. He grabbed her arm and said they were not going anywhere until she changed. She grabbed her things, left, and never went back—despite his calling and repeatedly apologizing and begging for another chance.
2. Alcohol and Drugs: One of the reasons many people enjoy drinking alcohol or taking certain drugs is that it diminishes their inhibitions. That may be fine for people who have lots of self-control. However, some people get mean when they are high and can become violent.
3. Acceptance of Verbal Abuse: You need to set clear boundaries with narcissists. If you allow them to verbally abuse you without consequences, they will take that as permission to go further the next time. Consider the old Middle Eastern saying: “If you allow the camel to get his nose under your tent, the rest of him soon follows.”
4. Lack of Object Constancy: Narcissists lack object constancy. Object constancy (OC) is the ability to maintain a positive emotional tie to someone you care about while you are angry, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, or physically distant from them. A great deal of the physical abuse in intimate relationships is due to the loss of OC during a quarrel.
During a fight, a partner without OC shifts from loving you to hating you. This increases the likelihood that your partner will be willing to physically harm you.
5. Lack of Emotional Empathy: Narcissists lack emotional empathy. People who have emotional empathy feel terrible when they physically hurt someone they love. That fact acts as a brake on abuse. Without emotional empathy, your partner has less reason to care about hurting you and may even enjoy causing you pain during a fight.
6. Sex of Partner: You are more likely to experience physical abuse if your narcissistic mate is male than if your mate is female. The simple fact is that men are usually larger and stronger than women. It is easier for them to use force to intimidate a partner. I do know of narcissistic women who physically abuse their mates. One man came to therapy with a dent in his forehead because his wife threw the remote at his head.
7. Cultural Approval of Physical Abuse: Some cultures allow men to hit their wives and other dependents in order to discipline them. Other cultures tacitly approve of this behavior and see it as “manly.”
If your narcissistic mate has been raised to believe he has the right to physically abuse you, you are more likely to experience physical abuse by him.
Protective Factors
1. No History of Physical Abuse: It is rare for someone with no history of physically abusing intimate partners to suddenly begin to do so.
2. Has Object Constancy: If your partner can remember that they love you while they are angry with you, they are much less likely to physically harm you during an argument.
3. No Substance Abuse Issues: A sober partner is less likely to abuse you than a drunk or stoned one.
4. Has Emotional Empathy: If your mate is able to emotionally share your joys and sorrows, he or she is less likely to physically harm you.
5. Has a Strong Moral Code: People who have strong moral principles that prohibit physically harming anyone are less likely to become physically abusive. Nothing they gain by violence is worth the guilt and shame they know they will suffer afterward.
6. Partner Sets Clear Boundaries: Most people will respect a firm boundary that is backed up with consequences. If your mate knows you will leave the relationship or call the police if they hit you, they are less likely to do so.
7. Partner Does Not Tolerate Any Abusive Behavior: If you respond immediately when your mate first verbally devalues you and you make it clear that all abuse is unacceptable, you may succeed in stopping the abuse before it becomes an accepted part of your relationship.
If, however, you overlook it and tell yourself comforting things that minimize what is happening—“They didn’t mean to hurt me“ or “I deserved it”—your inaction actually encourages further abuse.
8. Cultural Disapproval of Physical Abuse: If people who hit their mates are despised as vicious and weak, most people will not hit their mates.
Summary
Virtually all narcissists will verbally abuse their partners. The likelihood that verbal abuse will escalate to physical abuse dramatically increases when there are multiple predictors of physical abuse and few protective factors.
