Listening with Empathy

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The role of the parent is to guide, give insights and advice, and share ways to help your child succeed.

Parents have “been there, done that” and have life experiences their children will not have had a chance to encounter.

Preventing children from running into the same problems and disappointments and helping them get onto a better path more quickly is often the goal of any good parent.

But what if the role of the parent looked very different? What if parenting was more about listening to understand, listening with empathy, and understanding why your child thinks and does what they do? Rather than preventing them from getting into trouble, perhaps the role could be understanding why they chose the path that led to trouble and how to think about something differently.

Parenting is one of the toughest roles anyone will have in a lifetime. Finances, work, life, school, peers, and family can all conspire to make focusing on the child very challenging.

You might just want them to do well, get better, and improve whatever they are doing so they can go on to have a good life into adulthood. Many parents enjoy the parenting process; watching a child grow, learn and change can be one of the most fulfilling experiences.

But when the child, of whatever age, won’t do what you want them to or doesn’t respond to your sage wisdom and wise ideas, it can be hard to step back and seek to understand why. In my work teaching service professionals how to deepen relationships with clients and teach managers how to coach most effectively, we often talk about the

Socratic approach and the art of listening with empathy. It’s human nature to want to be heard and understood, to be “known” somehow. It’s time to extend this courtesy to children also.

Yes, of course, they are still learning. Yes, they need guidance to know not to touch the stove when it is hot or run in front of the moving car, and of course, they need financial, spiritual, and personal support and guidance. They are also evolving and learning who they are, what they care about that might be separate from their parents and family, and how to navigate on their own in the world. Listening and learning, and taking their viewpoints seriously at all developmental phases, is essential.

Often parents mistake the lack of knowledge, life experiences, and hard knocks for not having a viewpoint or a belief. Still, children as young as 7-10 years can start questioning what they have learned and considering other alternatives.

It isn’t disrespecting to do this; it is development. You want to raise a child who questions, inquires, and applies ideas for themselves. While parents often want a child to grow and be in their image, allowing that child to be who they are – with their own thoughts, feelings, and approaches to life – illustrates good parenting.

The next time you find yourself frustrated, whether a child of ten or an adult child of 30, try using the Socratic method of inquiring and then listening with empathy. Rather than being ready to tell your child what to do and how to do it, ask them what they think. Inquire why they see something a certain way.

Explore their concerns and cares. Then when they respond, ask the next question. Dig deeper. Don’t assume that just because you birthed this person and you have lived with them that you really know them. You would not be the first parent to learn all of the things your child is hiding from you.

Sometimes a child doesn’t feel appreciated or safe to share what they really care about. Your job is to keep the child safe and help them grow and learn, but it is also to give them a psychologically safe place to explore ideas and learn how to deal with someone who disagrees or where there could be conflict in the thought process.

It isn’t an easy part of parenting, but it is rewarding when your child, young or grown, starts to seek you out to ask you questions and learn. It’s a testament that you have listened to them so that they trust you. Never stop listening – and doing it with empathy and understanding.