An Erection Is Not Consent

Source: YorVern / iStock

Imagine a group of men sitting in a circle, talking about how one of them was groomed by a woman—how she got him drunk, coerced an erection, and manipulated him into having sex. She then blackmailed him, made him think he didn’t have an option of refusing her, or perhaps he did refuse, and she did not stop.

Imagine him calling it rape.

Although few incidents of male sexual assault are reported in any given year, the reality is that men are victims of sexual harassment, molestation, and rape on a daily basis.

When we think of sexual violence against men, we typically assume that the perpetrators are other men, but the truth is that men are abused by women as often as they are by other men.

Rape of men by women is far more prevalent than we see or hear about in the news, social media, or even in our hospital and legal systems. Underreporting is often due to the shame and stigma of being perceived as "not man enough." When women molest or rape men, they typically coerce the man into having an erection and even ejaculation, which is very confusing and paralyzing for the men.

The mere presence of an erection does not imply the individual is ready or willing to have sexual intercourse. An erection and ejaculation are physiological responses that are often not consciously controlled and can result from pain, fear, or anxiety, as well as excitement or sexual desire. An erection or ejaculation does not equal consent.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC's) data indicate that men and women are equally likely to be victims of sexual violence; however, sexual assault against men has been severely underreported, underrecognized, and undertreated.

The National Crime Victimization Survey also indicates that many men report being sexually assaulted and disempowered by a female perpetrator, through coerced erections and forced penetration.

According to Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) data, 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime, and 1 out of every 10 rape victims are male. And this is just those that are reported.

Many men, themselves, don’t label the uncomfortable sexual encounters as harassment and undermine the sexual violence they were subjected to. Men approach each other with insensitivity and often with mockery.

Male sexual assault perpetrated by other males carries a different stigma and is also significantly underreported, as the victim fears that their sexual orientation and preferences might be questioned, and they might be perceived as less of a man after the disclosure. Many men don’t report out of fear of shame of being humiliated or being perceived as weak for not being able to fight their predator.

An erection during nonconsensual sex can be confusing and paralyzing for a man, especially because an erection is culturally attributed to sexual excitement. Even though the trauma responses are not different during sexual assault for men or women, in which men can freeze or dissociate just like their female counterparts, when men don’t fight the assault, the presumption is that they are willing participants of it.

What is sexual assault?

Sexual assault refers to any behaviors or contact that takes place without clear consent of the victim.

Some forms of sexual assault include the following:

• Penetration of the victim’s body (i.e., rape) through physical force or threats or emotional manipulation,
• Fondling or unwanted sexual touching,
• Forcing or coercing a victim to perform sexual acts, such as oral sex or intercourse.

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Myths about men’s sexuality:

• Men are always ready to engage in sexual activity.
• Men are sexually insatiable.
• Erection translates to sexual excitement.
• There is something pathologically wrong if the man doesn’t want sex.
• Men are only raped by other men.
• Men who have an erection want to have sex, which is an indication of consent.
• Ejaculation is an indication of enjoyment of sex.
• "Real men" don’t get sexually assaulted.
• Men like to be in charge in the bedroom.
• Men secretly like being sexually assaulted.

These misconceptions not only contribute to the challenges of recognizing sexual assault but also have detrimental effects on the aftermath of the abuse. Our culture views sexual violence against men as disenfranchised abuse and, thus, makes it so that men do not get the same medical, legal, or emotional support as people who identify as female do.

These assumptions about men as sexual predators with voracious sex drives permeate the medical, mental health, public health, and criminal justice systems as well. Having an erection or having ejaculated makes their assault up to debate, assuming that he must have been aroused or at least received some form of sexual satisfaction.

Even in psychotherapy, the therapist sometimes questions if the male victim was actually raped and might not be fully convinced of the traumatic effects of the incident. These attitudes and behaviors often leave the male victim feeling delegitimized and undermined.

When our systems fail to take the victimization of men seriously, minimize the assault, and don’t take necessary actions, this perpetuates the suffering and the harm experienced from the trauma.

To break the stigma and minimization of male sexual assault, we have to deconstruct traditional gender stereotypes. As long as men are not allowed to demonstrate feelings other than anger, and their pain and trauma responses are viewed as a degradation of their manhood, we can’t really achieve true feminism.

Additionally, as a society, we need to continue to reassess and dismantle traditional notions of victimhood. It’s important to remember that force does not always refer to physically overpowering someone. Perpetrators often resort to grooming, emotional manipulation, coercion, or threatening their victims into nonconsensual sex.

Advocating for male sexual abuse survivors does not require undermining or legitimizing the violence against women. The traditional trope of men as the vicious perpetrator and women as the helpless victims only further feeds into old-fashioned gender stereotypes. This reinforces unhealthy ideas about what it means to be a man and woman and leads to stereotyping men who are victims of sexual abuse as "failed" men.

“It is arrogance in us to call frankness, fairness, and chivalry ‘masculine’ when we see them in a woman; it is arrogance in them to describe a man’s sensitiveness or tact or tenderness as ‘feminine.'”

–C. S. Lewis

If men are not allowed to be vulnerable or entitled to their suffering of sexual violence, we can’t really talk about women's rights. Due to the social construct around what entails sexual violence, many male victims, let alone disclose their assault, are unable to even name their experience as molestation, sexual harassment, or rape.

Gender-sensitive approaches that take into consideration ways in which societal norms and expectations impact women and men disproportionately should not come at the cost of undermining the abuse of men or boys. Inclusive approaches to advocating for sexual assault victims regardless of identified gender will allow for a cultural shift in which conversations regarding prevention, healing, and adequate care of victims will be possible.