You Can Get Over Twin Estrangement

There are many potential aftereffects to twin estrangement. In my professional and personal experiences, the most difficult to deal with is the pain of not having your twin as a companion you can consult with at a moment’s notice. Feeling like a misfit with your twin and in society because you can not get along peacefully is very disheartening. In most cases, estrangement leads to a serious loss of self-esteem because the stability of the twin relationship is changed and the security of the twin identity is challenged. Clearly, the difficulty of being a twin in a non-twin world can become even more difficult if you don't have your twin to fall back on when you feel out of place with the greater non-twin population. I have learned from my twin groups that finding twin soulmates who are not your twin but who have experienced estrangement can be very affirming and healing.

How to Deal with Estrangement

In my educational support group, I work with one of the twins in a pair who is estranged from the other or continually fighting with him or her. The twins with whom I work long for a more positive and supportive relationship with their brother or sister. What I have learned from my website and group students is that there is not enough information and understanding about how difficult it is to be a twin, or how difficult it is to raise emotionally healthy twin children. My group members have indicated that the following attitudes and actions have helped them to accept, and work toward some resolution or acceptance of, their differences.

1. Try to stay away from your twin as much as possible. Keeping physical and emotional distance is very helpful in establishing strict ego boundaries. In other words, decide what is yours and what belongs to your twin both objectively and emotionally.
2. Give yourself time and space to separate from your sister or brother.
3. Look for how you are different from your twin.
4. Respect your differences, because your respect holds the key to an improved relationship.
5. Develop realistic expectations together for one another.
6. Stand back and see your brother or sister for who they are, not who you want or wish them to be. Show them respect for who they are.
7. Find a therapist, support group, or other twins who can understand your disappointments and difficulties being a twin.
8. Avoid onlookers who treat you like an oddity and relentlessly compare and contrast you and your twin.
9. Find close friends who will offer you solace and understanding when you are angry with, or worried about, your twin.
10. Understand that people who can affirm your uncomfortable feeling will help you heal your sense of being a misfit.
11. Learn to protect yourself from your twin's anger and abusive behavior (if it exists).
12. Twin loneliness will not destroy you but it will motivate you to find new friends.

Words of Wisdom

Try to get along with your twin by utilizing the suggestions above. Give yourself time. And if you are not successful do not blame yourself.

I am starting a new educational support group for twins who can’t get along but want to try. If you are interested, contact me at drbarbaraklein[at]gmail[dot]com