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One of the most difficult psychological processes for us is the one in which we attempt to let go. We lose all kinds of things during a lifetime. A relationship that has ended—either through death or separation of some kind—is one of the hardest. Perhaps the relationship was difficult and it ended with recrimination and accusation. Perhaps someone died very suddenly. Perhaps someone died after a long and difficult relationship. Whatever the issue, letting go—which in its healthiest form is a long, difficult grief process—is not a closure. In the end, there is only a level place of acceptance. Acceptance is a mostly peaceful place in which we accept the reality of the situation with a kind of grace. We are able to allow life to be life on life’s terms.
So, why can’t we get there? What stops us from letting go? Let’s look at some of the reasons.
Grief: All too often, we do not allow ourselves to go through the entire grief process. We get stuck somewhere along the way. We resist the urge to cry. We don't allow ourselves to feel the anger, or we stay stuck in rage. We don’t talk about it with anyone. We are trying so hard to be strong that we take care of everyone but ourselves. We get stuck with “If only…” thinking. We try to stay busy, get on with life, get consumed with some distractions, use substances, seek small comfort in overeating, over-analyzing, over-thinking, or overworking. Simply put, we are in an avoidance pattern instead of allowing ourselves to really sit with the river that grief is. It's a river whose borders are changed by its flow. The river that carries us all the way to the sea.
Guilt: Perpetually blaming ourselves for the loss is another way of avoiding the pain. Survivor’s guilt is one form of guilt that can keep us stuck. “Why them, why not me?” This kind of guilt focuses on blame instead of the pain of loss. This kind of guilt focuses on my wrongness, not my pain. This kind of guilt is really all about my sense of duty or my sense of self—as in what I should have done.
But there are other forms of guilt, too. “Why wasn’t I there when he passed?” A good question to ask, okay, but if you stay stuck there, you can’t let go. Acceptance allows us to accept unanswerable questions. Some things just are what they are. “Why wasn’t I kinder to her?” “Why didn’t we have a better relationship?” Why did I let him treat me that way?” “Why won’t he forgive me?” These are all good questions to ask. Some of them might have real answers and some of them might not. Exploring for answers is part of grief. Staying stuck asking the question over and over again when there is no real answer is an avoidance of grief.
Identity: One of the questions we may ask when we have had a loss of some kind—a question that we may only ask unconsciously—is "Who am I now?” You are gone and so much of how I saw myself has been reliant on you and my identity as your mother, father, sister, brother, lover, wife, or husband. So, if I am not a sister anymore—who am I now? If I am not a husband anymore—who am I now? It’s always good to ask questions that have the potential to bring us to a deeper place of authenticity, but it may take a while to get there. If we don’t even know we are asking the question, we will not find that deeper level of authenticity. Rather, we will stay stuck with the loss of identity—which keeps us spinning round and round in the darkness of that unknown.
Fear: Perhaps I am also afraid of how I will manage my life without you. That’s okay. I don’t have to get rid of that fear. But if I stay stuck in “I can’t get up and move”—I will not let go. Letting go may mean taking the challenge to fear and doing it anyway.
Letting Go as Acceptance of Reality: The grief process has an ultimate outcome—acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that the loss does not matter anymore. In fact, now the loss can be stitched into the tapestry of life in a way that makes one more whole. Letting go simply allows—without resistance and with a sense of a solid Self—life to be what it is. Life is inestimable; it is filled with awe; it is lost in sadness; it is filled with challenges; it is driven to states of joy; it is terrible, and it is wonderful—all at once. When we allow the process of grief, we are willing to cry when the tears come up, we are willing to be angry and ask questions as they each arrive. We are processing, not stagnating. We are willing to consider our guilt, our fear, our anger, our perceptions, and our deep loss as part of the normal process of grief.
Then, one day, we wake up and sense that we have landed in a new place of life, one where we can still feel sad about the loss, and still have memories, both good and bad, about our lives before the loss, but one where we are also sincerely alive to the reality of life as it truly is.
