What a Healthy Partnership Looks Like

Raised in homes where the parents were dysfunctional, whose relationships were anything but loving and supportive, the adult children of those parents will often say, “I don’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like.” This can also happen when one of the parents is absent for whatever reason and the children, therefore, never get to observe interactions that could happen in a partnership. So, today we are going to talk about healthy relationships and what they look like.

First, we need to say that here we are speaking only of romantic relationships. But we are talking about all kinds of romantic relationships, regardless of sexual orientation or living arrangements. We are not necessarily talking about marital relationships, thus the term partnership. For the purposes of this article, however, we are talking only about one-to-one, long-term commitments.

We should also add that love alone is not enough to make a healthy partnership. Even in the most abusive relationships, we often hear the abused party say that they are going back to the relationship because they love the other person. No, loving is not enough to create a healthy dynamic.

So, what does a healthy partnership look like?

First and foremost, it is supportive. What does it mean to be supportive? It means that both parties in the relationship know how to listen without interrupting. It means that both parties know how to really hear what the other party is saying, that if there is any misinterpretation or misunderstanding, through explaining and further listening, both parties can come to understand the other’s position. Does this kind of communication happen always? No. But it happens often enough that both parties feel that their partner “gets them.” Generally speaking, both parties feel basically understood.

Supportive also means that both parties feel a sense of togetherness. While they may have to go through the experiences of separating from each other for periods of time, they do not feel that they are alone in life. They feel that they have a real partner. That sense of partnership goes with them through any temporary separation.

We often hear people say, “I want a real partner.” What they mean is that they want someone who helps them hold up the burdens of life, who talks to them and listens to them when they need to process difficult times. They need someone who stays with them through hospitalizations, financial burdens, and the other inescapable difficulties that arise during life. Someone who is kind and generous with time. They need someone who is flexible enough to change a schedule or an expense, if necessary, to support the relationship. They need someone who is not demanding of time or energy, but who is also flexible enough to make room for the other partner’s life goals and friendships. And yes, they need someone who knows how to balance out the tasks of everyday living so that one person does not carry that heavy burden alone. In other words, both parties feel supported, held up, united, and more capacitated to live life on life’s terms.

Intimacy

The second most important feature of this relationship is that it is intimate. This intimacy certainly includes a healthy sex life, but it is much more than that. Intimacy means that both parties feel deeply known and share with each other the deeper experiences of their lives. Yes, they share the “how was your day?” discussions, but they also share when they’ve been hurt, even when the hurt has been perpetrated by the partner. They don’t just share with each other the good, successful, proud, or easy stuff. They share it all, good, bad and ugly. They may fear a necessary conversation with the partner, but they do it anyway, because they trust that such sharing will ultimately benefit the relationship.

Further, they share in a way that is assertive, rather than aggressive. They use “I statements” instead of blaming and criticizing “you statements.” In other words, they say how a given behavior makes them feel, rather than accusing, defining character, or being abusive. They do this because it enhances intimacy—it helps both partners get to know each other better. Such intimacy is all about being and feeling deeply known, for all the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Are there ever fights in these partnerships? Of course. But these fights ultimately lead to a deeper understanding of each other and of the dynamics and patterns of the relationship. That happens because the parties can ultimately get to a meaningful resolution. Because each partner has assertively said what they truly feel. After the fight, they both feel that they understand each other better and they understand the dynamics and patterns of the relationship better. The process of fighting and resolving means that each partner is also helping the other understand and relate to themselves better. Each partner knows themselves better and better as the relationship grows.

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Growth

Finally, the relationship is a growing rather than a stagnant thing. Change is something that a lot of us fear. In fact, in many cases, we outright resist it. But a healthy partnership makes room for change of all kinds. Sometimes change happens beyond our control—and for these the partnership provides each partner with the support needed to create an adjustment to the change.

These kinds of changes include such things as a job change, a move, the decision not to have more children, or the decision to launch into a totally different career. It might include one party needing to invite a sick parent to move into the home. Such changes are difficult, but if both parties stay in touch with the feelings and adjustments of both self and each other, they come with continued growth in the relationship.

All of these capacities in a healthy partnership come from love for the partner, but they also come from a healthy sense of self-love. One must be able to empathize with oneself in order to carry out the full-hearted responsibilities of a healthy relationship. The less critical, demanding, isolating, negative, and abusive one is to oneself, the more willing and able one is to show empathy, understanding, and support to another.