To Confront or Not to Confront?

To confront or not to confront: that is the question. It’s one we rarely take thoughtful, self-reflective time to consider. Rather we just either react angrily in the moment or we don’t react at all and we stuff our anger, telling ourselves that passivity is a form of goodness, which makes us worthy. Or we react passive/aggressively, through sarcasm or little acts of vengeance.

But confrontation can be a well-thought-out way of creating healthy boundaries. It can be a way of healing old wounds. It can be a way of enhancing the value of a good friendship or a parent/child relationship or a partnership. That said, however, healthy confrontation is not for the weak. We have to stop bargaining before we confront.

What do I mean by bargaining? Something like this: If I tell him off, then he’ll stop being so abusive and we’ll have a normal relationship; or if I confront her, then she’ll be ashamed of herself and apologize; or, if I finally tell him what a terrible parent he was, then he’ll change and we’ll finally have a good relationship. There’s always an if/then in every bargain.

In fact, when we set out to confront someone, we must be emotionally ready for the worst possible outcome—because it could happen. Just because you tell someone your thoughts and feelings about your relationship, doesn’t mean they are going to react well to what you have said. We tend to think that others will or should react the same way we might. But if you’ve been in a relationship with a toxic parent, for example, and you wish to confront him or her, the parent is not suddenly going to stop being toxic just because you are doing something different from what you have always done in that relationship.

We must understand that we are not confronting so that the other person will change. We are confronting because there are things that we have always needed to say and we are now going to say them. We are confronting to heal the self, not so that the other person will change. They might eventually change, but we can’t count on that. Confronting so that the other person will change could be more damaging to you than the original wounds. The hope that they will change as a result of your confrontation could be dashed upon the rocks of their reaction. So we can’t successfully confront while simultaneously bargaining.

Traversing the Inner Terrain

Source: Andrea Mathews

Further, before confronting, we need to be very clear on what we are going to say, and plan to stick only with that, without getting sidetracked by their reaction. What history do you want to convey? How did that history make you feel? What do you plan to do when that history starts to repeat itself? What boundaries do you need to put in place? If you can stay in the answers to these questions, without getting off-topic, you will have talked about all of the primary issues.

Further, the language you use in a healthy confrontation is best done with I-statements. "I feel …" or "I needed ..." rather than you statements: "You ought to be ashamed of yourself," or "You should have ..."

It might help to rehearse, either in front of a mirror or with a friend or therapist. You might even want to write down your confrontation and read it to the person you are confronting, so that you don’t get distracted. You might want to practice your confrontation on the way to work every day in your car. Don’t worry, they’ll think you are on a hands-free phone.

So, the answer to the question as to whether or not to confront is only if and when you are fully ready to deal with the possibility of a negative outcome. If you can’t go in only looking for your own healing, it’s not time to confront. If you feel you will be too distracted by their reaction to stay on topic, it’s not time to confront. You might need more practice. If you are prepared for the possibility of their worst response, and you have prepared well and can stay on topic, you are ready. Go for it. Good luck.