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For the purposes of this post, we are going to interchange the words soul and Self (with a capital "S" for authentic Self). Your soul is the deepest essence of who you are, and your Self is the deepest essence of who you are. We think of soul in largely religious terms and yet, when we are most emphatic, most passionate, we will use the word soul to describe the deepest feelings we have. We even use the word soulmate to describe someone who matches and supports our deepest essence and for whom we can do the same. So, this will not be a religious text, but it will describe the deepest spirit, the grounded essence of who we are as Self.
In order to find that Self, one has to do the work of discovering and naming the mask and costume that one has lived out as identity—though it was falsely referred to as self (with a small "s"). That work includes looking closely at one’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors, as well as one’s relationships to see the patterns that we have lived out without noticing.
So, if my identity is Superwoman, I’m going to work hard to get it all done yesterday; the boss will always be able to count on me to get it done; I may resent others who rely on me to get it done, but I still get it done. I can get it done faster and with greater accuracy than others. I achieve, achieve, achieve. I have a high threshold for pain—physical or otherwise. I don’t do emotions much. I’m in charge if at all possible. And I do all of this because underneath it all I fear that if I don’t do it, the whole world is going to fall apart and somehow it will be all my fault. And if you ask me, I will tell you, “that’s just who I am.”
But it’s not who I am, it is who I thought I had to be to survive. When Superwoman begins to get in touch with who she is, she is very often either in poor health or exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. And this is when she might—if she allows it—begin to get in touch with emotions she has long ago left behind.
That process of getting in touch with those emotions is the very beginning of her process of finding the authentic Self. She will also need to recognize the false messages that come from her upbringing that push her to perform as Superwoman and put them to rest. She will also need to come to terms with belief systems that push her to perform as Superwoman and begin to see things from a different perspective—a more authentic one. She will need to learn how to let go of some of the responsibilities she has assumed which never allow others to do anything for her. She will also need to look at how Superwoman gets into and out of relationships—usually by taking care of everything and then coming to resent having to take care of everything.
And the process goes on so that she begins to see that there is a whole other person underneath that mask and costume whom she has ignored since infancy. That person has desires, emotions and ways of behaving that might be very different from the performance she’s been doing forever. Getting in touch with those desires and acting on them begins the walk of the authentic Self. Getting in touch with those emotions and listening to the underlying messages of those emotions, treating these messages as they are real and living truer to the ways she can protect and nourish the Self is a way of life for the authentic Self. Beginning to behave—put up boundaries where she needs them, take that walk when she wants to, make life choices that match her deepest yearnings—these come from the life energy of the authentic Self.
Of course, there are several other possible roles—masks and costumes, identities—we can wear and some of which I have already written about in this blog: Scapegoat, Victim Identity, Black Sheep, Rescuer, Invisible Child, Runaway, Golden Child, and others. Each one has certain very specific patterns of thinking, believing, feeling and acting that describe that identity. But none of them are authentic.
When the soul is restored, we are alive with meaning and passion. We know where we want our boundaries and we make decisions to assert them and hold them in place. We act decisively to authenticate our life choices and to relate to others from what is real within us. Essentially, we become real people, and we come from a deep place of real strength that is the essential soul in everyman.
