Perfectionism: Recalibrating the Longing to Be Perfect

A cooking pot from 19th century Georgia, repaired with the Kintsugi technique.

Source: Gugger/Creative Commons 4.0

Let me tell you a story about brokenness and repair.

Approximately six centuries ago, Shogun Ashikaga Yoshimasa of Japan broke his favorite tea bowl. The bowl was treasured and irreplaceable. Instead of throwing it away, he sent the pieces to China for repair. When the bowl was returned stapled together, the Shogun found it non-functional and unaesthetic. He asked his artisans to make something beautiful from the broken bits, but without disguising the damage. This was the origin of the Japanese art of kintsugi, which consists of using broken pottery fragments to make a new object held together by lacquer mixed with gold dust. The result draws attention to the flaws, transforming the original fractured object into a new and beautiful one.

As a philosophy, kintsugi emerged from the Zen and Mahayana Buddhist traditions, which teach us to embrace our fragility and imperfections. Kintsugi reminds us that our wounds do not destroy us but can be a source of meaning, strength, and resilience. As an approach to life, kintsugi is linked to the Japanese idea of wabi-sabi, which recognizes the impermanence and imperfection of all things.

In the West, we prioritize other values. As a culture of strivers, we are encouraged to avoid failure at all costs, which leads us to pursue standards that do not always match our unique needs and desires. This sets us up for the trap of perfectionism.

Nothing in nature is perfect. What is a perfect apple? A perfect rose? A perfect turtle or river or shell? Commercial interests persuade us we have to have a “perfect” body, eat a “perfect” diet, or raise a “perfect” child. We are fed a vision of an ideal reality from which we are doomed to fall short.

The tension between what we imagine and what can truly be accomplished exhausts us. Keeping focused on impossible goals narrows our understanding of all that we are, limits our creative and imaginative capacity, and at times ruptures relationships. Perfectionism traps us into a self-fulfilling prophecy of doomed failure through exertion toward unachievable outcomes. Rather than honoring our limitations and imperfections, we strive harder to outrun a sense of failure and shame. Comparisons to others on social media where the norm is a palatable form of bragging sets us up for an inner sense of unworthiness or “not-good-enoughness.” Most of us know social media is not our friend in this regard, but social media is a symptom not the cause of addiction to perfection.¹

Our country was founded on principles of rugged individualism and self-determination, the idea that with the good grease of willpower and moxie, we can and deserve to achieve anything we desire. As a culture, we elevate status, accomplishment, and financial success over the values of kindness, generosity, and communal good.

Maybe it’s time to reconsider our relationship to perfectionism and how it influences our thoughts and actions. The impossible-to-please boss, the demanding teacher, or the picky friend who always notices the lint on our shirt are familiar stereotypes but they do not illuminate the subtler ways perfectionistic tendencies manifest in our lives.

Do we hold to impossible standards for ourselves and others? Are we self-blaming or shaming when we fall short of our goals? How does our self-image suffer? Gender stereotyping also exists around perfectionism. Ambitious or competitive women are often negatively labeled perfectionistic while the same traits in a man are characterized as industrious, hard-working, determined, and successful. (The recent movie, Barbie, satirically played with the perfectionistic ideals placed on women and their bodies.)

How we think about perfectionist aspects of ourselves is in part determined by how much shame or pride we experience around the issue. Being called a perfectionist can hit like a gut punch or feel like a compliment, depending on the situation and who is using the word.

Maladaptive perfection can be self-directed (I’m not living up to my own high standards), other-oriented (demanding others are perfect), or socially driven (the perception that others require us to be perfect).² These ideals crush our spirit and narrow the scope of who we are. If perfectionism becomes maladaptive and causes distress or harm, we are wise to seek help.

However, recent research has found that “self-oriented perfectionism,” where individuals set standards for themselves, can be associated with positive outcomes.

As Joachim Stoeber, a prominent researcher in perfectionism, has written, “Perfectionistic strivings, which involve setting high personal standards and striving for excellence, are associated with positive characteristics such as high levels of motivation, conscientiousness, and achievement. These strivings can lead to greater success and satisfaction when balanced with self-compassion and realistic goal-setting”³

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After all, the willingness to work at something until it is just right can pay off. Any writer knows the urge to write just one more draft. With one more try, a person may write a better novel or build a more successful business. “A lot of good craftsmen, mechanics, surgeons probably would be considered perfectionistic,” says Stoeber. “If you’re happy and functional, there’s no reason to worry about it.”⁴

The trick is to resist the urge to pathologize ourselves. Can we embrace our quirks, and view them with humor and compassion? Can we be the broken bowl whose cracks shimmer?