How Narcissists Draw You In

By Melanie Tonia Evans

Narcissists are very manipulative and they know how to draw you in and empty you out, sending you all the way to your demise. Some people believe that narcissists can target anyone. If you believe this, I hope this post will help you understand that they can’t.

Closing Your Gaps While Dating

Understandably, people are terrified to date again after being smashed by a narcissist. Many people ask, ‘What if I get sucked in again?’

I really want you to know that dating, when you have these fears, is dangerous. This is because fear is a powerful magnet that draws to us exactly the experiences we fear. Fear does not keep us safe. The reason why is because our most important human soul lesson is to know that people outside of you are not responsible for your experience—you are. If you fear them, instead of being solidly you, then life will show you how you are not being solidly you.

If your beliefs are that sharing a meal and a glass of wine with a narcissist means they can trick you, draw you in, and start destroying your life, then you will continue to get what you believe. If you believe "This previously happened to me because I had gaps that I was unconscious about, however, if I shore them up this will never happen to me again," then you don’t need to ever worry about whom you are sharing dinner with.

In fact, you will welcome the experience of seeing how different you are as your own powerful protector and healthy Source! How else will you have the confidence to know your life is firmly in your own hands and isn’t susceptible to others? I know in my previous life I used to hand my weaknesses and victimhood (gaps) to narcissists on a plate. It was my "normal" and I had no idea I was doing it.

One of the greatest mistakes that makes us as easy prey for a narcissist as an injured gazelle is for a lion is this: telling them about all ways that previous partners have hurt us. This is because it means all a narcissist needs to do is tell us how much they are not that person. Then we think we have hit the jackpot with this person, whereas the narcissist is actually skilled in telling us what we want to hear.

If we do instant relationships and don’t take the time to ascertain someone’s values and character, we are playing Russian roulette with our soul and life. Look at what happens when we discover that we are hooked to someone who is not a nice person, who doesn’t have our best interests at heart, and who doesn’t even have the resources to be healthy—we lie to ourselves that we are "in love."

Real love has certain criteria to even be possible, and without these requirements love is an obsession, addiction, and toxic rather than genuine. Likewise, if we try to be everything that we think someone else needs and wants in order to be loved and accepted, then we are not being real and are hugely susceptible to being matched up to a False Self—a narcissist.

Yet, if we are firmly in our body, anchored in our values, self-love, and self-acceptance and take our time to see if people match our values and truths, we no longer accept and try to change people who aren’t compatible into people who will make us happy. Rather, we will be content to wait until the right match comes along.

Let’s imagine a few different scenarios:

Craig is on a date with Amber. She looks and smells great and Craig finds her to be stunning. They start a sexual relationship very quickly. Amber is a narcissist and starts abusing Craig and draining his resources. Only a few weeks into the relationship already Craig is hooked because of the great sex and he doesn’t believe he can meet anyone as attractive as Amber.

Then there is Scott, who is on a date with Joy. She wants to move things along very quickly. Scott knows that sensible women, who honor themselves, take time to ascertain men. Anyway, he’s not interested in sex without feeling and connection. He refuses to sleep with Joy, wanting to take his time to get to know her. Joy, after a couple more dates when Scott will not capitulate, sends him a text accusing him of being gay and telling him he has lost the best dating opportunity he’ll ever have. Of course, Joy was a narcissist needing to secure narcissistic supply very quickly. Scott dodged a bullet.

And then there is Georgia on a date with Darren, answering his intense questions about her life and her past. She replies with how disappointed she has been with men not making her a priority, and how this hurts her. Darren looks her in the eyes, leans over and says, "Any man would be honored to have you in their life. These men were stupid; they had no idea what they had." Georgia’s heart fills with love and joy—just as if she was a parched woman in a desert finding an oasis and taking a deep drink.

At first, the honeymoon period was amazing, but it turns into horrific rejection, abandonment, disdain, and abuse. Darren was a narcissist who had quickly and expertly hooked Georgia in by pretending to be the savior of her wounds. Naturally, he was the messenger of them, because these were her gaps, her unhealed inner parts that he could abuse her with, while she clung on, desperately addicted to him and trying to make someone love her better this time.

Finally, there is Anna who is on a date with Peter. Peter asks Anna about her previous relationships and Anna explains to him how blessed and grateful she was for her journey, because of the work on herself and how it helped her love and accept herself and be free of her wounds. Peter visibly seems confused. He says to Anna, "I’m the same. I have learned so much from my relationships. I love personal development and growth as well."

‘Oh’, says Anna, "What exactly did you learn and from what experience? I’m all ears!" Peter’s conversation with Anna showed he had no grasp of either personal development or taking responsibility for his own development or growth. At the end of the night, when Peter asks Anna if she wants to catch up again, Anna answers, "I think not. Good luck with dating and thanks for an interesting evening." To which Peter replies, "You’re right, there isn’t enough attraction for me to see you again anyway."

Anna was nearly crying with laughter when she got into her car. This was such a powerful graduation where she was punching the air with joy. ‘I just flushed out a narc easily. Yay!’ High five to her!

Closing Your Gaps In Family Relationships

Let’s have a look at how this translates in situations with people we already know, such as family relationships or friendships.

John is a married man, a grown adult with his own family, yet his father Gary controls him. Gary is always asking John to drop everything for him, and rather than show gratitude and appreciation, Gary constantly criticizes and abuses him. John is hooked, and even when his wife threatened to leave him because of money, energy and time drained on his father, he couldn’t stop jumping to attention every time Gary summoned him. John’s unhealed wounds were responsible for these unconscious pulls; his entire life he had been trying to earn his father’s love and respect, but nothing he could do was ever good enough.

Gayle used to hand her power and time to her narcissistic sister Colleen. Colleen was a single mother and used Gayle for money and babysitting, and whenever Colleen got a man in her life, she would use him instead and dump Gayle like a hot potato. Gayle was previously heartbroken, confused and wrung out, and she lived in hope that one day she would have the healthy loving relationship with her sister that she had always dreamed of.

Finally, Gayle did the work on her inner traumas regarding her relationship with her sister and released the hooks and pulls of responsibility and guilt that she’d suffered. Gayle stopped handing money over and, after the last discard from her sister, was very clear—without an apology and with respect—that the relationship was over.

The relief Gayle felt by claiming her life, power, and soul back was immense. When her sister tried to smear her, Gayle let go of that trauma. She had no need to try to prove anything and just kept her eyes on her side of the road, continuing to heal and generate her own healthy life, letting go of anyone and everything that didn’t represent this.

Now, let’s look at the business side of things.

Closing Your Gaps In Business

Andrew is brilliant yet shy. He had incredible ideas, development processes, and loads of money, yet he didn’t have the confidence to be a public front man. Andrew met George, a charismatic salesman, through joint friends. Over a few drinks, Andrew shared his dreams with George. George’s ears pricked up. He looked Andrew intently in the eyes and assured him he could help him with contacts and connections.

Andrew felt the relief of "Finally someone with the confidence and persona to help me" and he and George joined forces. Twelve months later, after George disappeared with half a million dollars of Andrew’s money, Andrew realized he had been conned by a sociopath.

Andrew didn’t take the personal responsibility to stop blaming George and realize that sensible adults do due diligence, check out people’s credentials thoroughly, and draw up contracts and retain control and security along the way. His lack of belief in himself had caused him to willingly, and far too quickly, hand complete power to George, which is what everyone, without exception, does to narcissists that abuse them.

Alice was a client of Jeanette’s when Jeanette shared her dream to open her own shop in a prestigious area. Alice told her she had the same vision and they should consider a partnership. After investigating Alice’s proposal, which Jeanette requested, Jeanette realized that she, herself, would be taking on all the risk and financing and that Alice’s references weren’t credible. After calling Alice out with the discovered truth, Jeanette never saw her again as a client and felt no loss at all.

The Absolute Formula to Not Get Taken in By A Narcissist

Now, let me condense these different scenarios and make it really clear for you.

1) Don’t express your weaknesses to people you don’t know.

2) Stop holding other people responsible for your life—such as believing you need to find someone else to fix, save or complete your life.

3) Don’t fall in quickly with people. Narcissists need a payoff of narcissistic supply rapidly for their expended energy. They will not hang around for your due diligence.

4) Know your values and retain your boundaries. Other people don’t need to get it —you need to get it.

5) Release your hooks and gaps within so that there is no more neediness, recklessness, and emptiness driving your choices.

6) Be excited about every experience and opportunity which presents and strive to be your best self without any fear or concern about how other people are being.

It’s so important to understand that we all have patterns of behavior and emotional hooks—unresolved wounds—in our life that have caused us to hand our power away.

The stories of Craig, Georgia, John, and Andrew show that they are stuck in historic patterns indefinitely with no sign of relief, growth, and change, as a result of remaining unconscious. Narcissistic abuse is an ongoing soul lesson for them—until they wake up.

Whereas, as a result of taking firm responsibility to be the generator of their own lives, Scott, Anna, Gayle, and Jeanette are living on trajectories where their life delivers them the same genuine support and authenticity with people and situations that they are showing themselves.

Published with the permission of, Melanie Tonia Evans, narcissistic abuse recovery expert and speaker; founder, Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP).