6 Pitfalls of Doing Chores for Your Partner

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Most couples who live together have a division of labor for household chores. One person might do most of the cooking, for example, while the other does the dishes.

Within this arrangement, it's common for one partner to do a task that the other person usually does, which is often thought of as "doing a favor for my partner." For example, "I did the laundry for you" or "I unloaded your dishes."

The Downsides of Doing "Favors"

These favors tend to be well-intentioned, but I have found both in my therapy practice and as a husband that they often can backfire in subtle or obvious ways. Here are six reasons why doing chores for your partner may not be the best approach.

1. It assumes they're your partner's responsibility. When you say you're doing a task "for your partner," it makes it sound as if you're doing their dishes or taking out their trash. While a division of labor between partners is typical, realistically there can be flexibility in who does what.

If you have the time and energy for the task, it makes just as much sense to say it's yours in this instance as to say it's theirs. More fluid boundaries between chores can lead to greater efficiency and harmony in your relationship.

2. It creates a sense of debt. If you did "their" chore, there can be an assumption of reciprocity or the belief that now they "owe you." That perception can foster unwelcome feelings of obligation and indebtedness for your partner and an unhelpful expectation for you (see #3).

3. It leads to resentment. When you think your partner owes you something because you did them a favor, you're bound to be disappointed. Maybe it doesn't lift their mood like you hoped it would, or they weren't receptive later in the night when you tried to initiate sex. They might not even have said a simple thank you. If they don't respond the way you want them to, you're likely to feel bitter and angry.

4. It steals your autonomy. Acting with a sense of agency is a fundamental psychological need (Deci & Ryan, 2000). When you do something to please another person, it erodes your autonomy. Instead of doing it because it's the right thing to do, you're looking for a particular reaction.

5. It reinforces approval-seeking. More often than not, the reaction you're hoping for is approval: a pat on the head, a grateful kiss, a heartfelt "Thank you!" that makes you feel like a good person. The problem is that it's not your partner's responsibility to affirm your sense of self. When you depend on them for approval, you burden them with a role that only you can fill.

6. It hurts your relationship. The upshot of these factors is that doing chores for your partner can end up hurting your relationship. Your intention is exactly the opposite, of course, so it's frustrating when your efforts not only don't help but also lead to more friction. Not uncommonly, the response is to double down and work harder to please your partner—which only compounds the problem.

It's still possible to do a chore that your partner usually does, these pitfalls notwithstanding. The key is in how you frame it for yourself and your partner.

Better Reasons to Do Chores

Instead of thinking that you're doing your partner's chore, consider it a task that needs to be done. Do it because you have the time and it might make things easier for your partner, without expectation of gratitude or reward. Your partner will still reap the benefit of having one fewer chore to do without the overlay of "Ta-da! I did this for you" (with the implied hold for applause).

You can also frame doing the task around being the kind of person you want to be: someone who takes care of what needs to be done, without announcement or fanfare. When your motivation is internal, it doesn't matter whether your partner thanks you or even notices. What's important is the part that you control—your actions and expectations.

Most of all, do the chore because you want to. No thanks is needed or expected for doing what you want to do.