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Rescuer Subtypes: The Overly Empathic White Knight
After reviewing the commonalities and differences among rescuers, we created four subtypes - the overly empathic white knight, the tarnished white knight, the terrorizing/terrified white knight, and the balanced rescuer. These subtypes are not discrete entities but represent our observation of clusters of characteristics that can overlap. In this blog, we will focus on the overly empathic white knight.
The overly empathic white knight fears emotional distance. This fear can be triggered by many sources, such as separation, loss of love, or loss of approval. She tries to maintain or restore an emotional connection to her partner by positively affecting her partner's emotions through being needed, good, or caregiving. Sexual jealousy and insecurity can trigger her fear of emotional distance and drive her to prove that she is a valued partner and lover.
The overly empathic white knight worries excessively about her partner. This worry is especially apparent during separations or when she feels he needs her help or protection. If her partner rebuffs her offers of help or perceives her offers as a criticism or nuisance, she often becomes hurt and angry.
As with most white knights, the overly empathic white knight may privately take some credit for his partner's success, or view his partner's success with ambivalence. Because this white knight fears emotional distance, he may worry that if his partner is successful, she may no longer need the relationship or want it to continue.
The major psychological forces at work within this white knight are a heightened sense of empathy, excessive guilt, and an intense fear of emotional distance. The following case, a composite of many individuals, illustrates some of the ways these forces play out in the relationships of overly empathic white knights.
Sara
Thirty-one-year-old Sara began therapy after she ended her one-year relationship with her boyfriend, Peter. Sara was a financial consultant whose professional success stood in stark contrast to the poverty of her childhood. When Sara was eleven, her alcoholic father lost his job, and because of his intermittent bingeing, he was able to find only menial employment from which he was repeatedly fired. This financial hardship required Sara's mother to work overtime, leaving Sara responsible for maintaining the home and caring for her two younger brothers. In spite of these burdens, Sara did well in school and won a college scholarship. She left for college but always felt guilty for doing so.
Looking back at her college years, Sara realized that all of her boyfriends had been marginal students whom she had propped up. She'd help them with their term papers, do their laundry, and on one occasion she paid her boyfriend's overdue credit card bill. This pattern continued in her post-collegiate life. As a financial consultant, she mentored others on a regular basis.
Sara met Peter when she was a consultant to his division of a small company. The disorganization and financial chaos Sara found in Peter's work environment was echoed in his life outside of work. His home was a wreck, his financial situation a mess, and his job status at the company very uncertain. Sara got his division and his life organized. As they grew closer, Peter relinquished most of his responsibilities to her, saying that she was just better and quicker at them than he was.
Although Sara liked being helpful and loved how much Peter needed and appreciated her, she slowly became resentful. When Sara came down with mononucleosis, Peter's helplessness and unwillingness to support her became intolerable. Feeling too guilty to leave the relationship, Sara told him that she wanted a trial separation. Peter promised he would change, insisting that it was unfair for her to leave and that he could not survive without her. Peter's pleadings played right into Sara's childhood guilt, and reluctantly, she gave him another chance. But when he soon reverted to his typical helplessness, Sara again asked him to leave. This time, Peter flew into a rage and yelled, "You'll never find anyone else who will love you the way I do." Now, Sara was teary and unable to sleep. She was terrified that she had made a mistake by ending the relationship and feared that she would always be alone.
Sara is an example of an overly empathic white knight, groomed since childhood to be a rescuer. Carrying so much responsibility in her childhood made Sara feel powerful, but it also gave her the message that her own needs were secondary to the needs of others-and, in fact, they were. Her parents' financial troubles and her mother's need to work long hours had required Sara to give up much of the freedom of childhood in order to help her family. Although leaving home had provided Sara with a college education and a successful career, her guilt about leaving remained. She continually sought out relationships where her guilt would be appeased and where she could be the rescuer that she herself had needed. Peter had recognized Sara's vulnerabilities and then used them to hurt her by saying aloud what she silently feared - that she would never be loved again.
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*This blog is in no way intended as a substitute for medical or psychological counseling. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
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