What Are Helpful Things to Say to People Who Are Unemployed?

Source: Gregg McBride

The pain and fear of unemployment is something that numerous people have been affected by in recent months. The reasons vary, many relating to the economic results of the coronavirus lockdown. But no matter how or why it came about, being suddenly unemployed and wondering about not only your career and future but also your ability to pay rent, buy food, and support yourself (and those who depend on you) can be debilitating.

Many of us have been touched by unemployment before now. For years, the job market has become a literal rollercoaster ride as companies’ seemingly abrupt decisions and subsequent reactions cause virtual whiplash for those affected by them. My spouse and I have experienced this several times over the course of our years together. Just recently, my spouse was let go when the employer cut almost 20 percent of its workforce before the new year. So when coronavirus came along, it added another very complicated dimension to our current job hunt.

Being unemployed usually elicits various reactions from friends and family—most of whom are well-meaning, if somewhat clumsy in their attempts to be supportive. And it’s not necessarily their fault. Finding out someone close to us is unemployed can be frightening even for those who simply hear the news. It can remind us that we, too, are vulnerable in this marketplace (even pre- or post-coronavirus). This can create real fear, which sometimes can be inadvertently expressed even when trying to communicate support.

Questions like, “Did you file for unemployment?” aren’t very helpful. People who ask this seem to believe that even if qualifying for unemployment, the amount received will somehow magically cover all expenses. (It usually doesn't—not even with the temporary bump offered by the stimulus package.)

Also, unemployment benefits are not “forever.” There’s an end date. And let’s not forget that many people get their self-esteem from their job—no matter what the job might have been. To suddenly feel unworthy or unvital is a big blow to the ego. A blow that an unemployment check doesn’t begin to make up for (even if one qualifies for it).

Another line to skip is, “You’re going to get something even better, and this will be for the best.” Yeah, that might be true. But it also might not. And even if it does eventually prove to be true, commentary like this rings hollow during times of despair and worry.

Oftentimes people are trying to make themselves feel better rather than the unemployed person they’re trying to comfort. Remember, this moment isn’t about you or your fears that you could suffer the same fate. It’s about the person you’re trying to help through this dark moment. Try not to discount their feelings through “small talk” that can sometimes come across as dismissive.

The difference between really “being there” for someone who’s recently lost their job and simply blurting out what would better be displayed on a bumper sticker is acknowledging the shock and hurt by being in the moment with the person. In other words, set aside your own reaction, your own interpretations (and even your own way of handling things), and let the person in need know you hear them. This doesn’t mean having to fill a silent moment with small talk—no matter how awkward the silence sometimes feels. Just sitting there with someone and literally holding space for them can lend a lot more support than trying to make light of a situation.

A keyword to keep in mind is authenticity. Is what you're communicating really coming from your heart? If so, a simple “I’m sorry” can do so much more than a cheerleading routine that comes across as a little out of touch with how someone might really be feeling (no matter how well-intentioned the cheer might be).

This advice is in no way meant to make anyone feel shame for how they might have “coached” someone through unemployment in the past. But going forward, you can often do more for someone by doing less. And really being there. Without pomp. Without circumstance. Even without suggesting someone start a vision board. Just be. Show some understanding. Express some reverence. This moment really sucks, and you get it. Let that be enough. (There can be plenty of time to offer help with a resume or making contacts a little further down the line—perhaps when that kind of help is specifically asked for.)

Being unemployed in any circumstance can be downright terrifying. So the last thing we want to do is put the person who’s now second-guessing everything about their past, present, and future in a place where they feel like they have to correct, appease, or lecture us (the person who wants to support them). The more authentic we are, the more real our support will feel. And that can offer something solid and genuine during an otherwise chaotic life circumstance.