Surviving Survivors' Guilt

Source: Lance Reis/Unsplash

On June 18th, 2007 my best friend Eric Snell was shot and killed by a sniper in Iraq. He was my roommate before we deployed and my roommate while we were deployed. During this time, I learned more about him, his life before the Army, and his children. Even during the war, we enjoyed our time together. Until the worst two days of my life happened. The day before he was shot and killed, I was also shot and injured by a sniper.

I found out about his death while in the hospital, healing from my own injuries. “It should have been me” was the first thought that came to mind, thinking about his kids who would now have to grow up without a father. Survivors' guilt is a symptom of PTSD that is not frequently discussed. Among combat veterans, it stays with us for the rest of our lives.

There are a lot of mental health factors under the umbrella of PTSD. When I was in Iraq, many soldiers were involved in IED attacks where they were the only ones that survived. A truck of soldiers would get hit by an EFP (explosively formed penetrator), and I would watch as guys returned to the FOB (forward operating base) after they lost friends in an IED attack. It sticks with us forever for a couple of reasons.

Why do we think it should have been us?

I would roll myself up and down the halls of the hospital at night when it was empty. The grieving process was intense. I wanted to die myself. I had pictures of me and Snell that I couldn’t even look at because it hurt too much. A 2015 article, "Suicide Postvention in the Department of Defense: Evidence, Policies and Procedures, and Perspectives of Loss Survivors" describes complicated grief as "symptoms that include memories, thoughts, or images of the deceased (e.g., people and places); and difficulty regaining a sense of purpose or experiencing positive emotions for longer than six months following the death of a loved one."

We build such deep, intimate bonds in the military that complete strangers become family. We go to war and fight for each other because we know our fellow soldiers' children and wives are waiting for them to come back home. When something happens and we lose a friend, “it should have been me” is a common reaction. For 10 years I felt bad just for surviving my own traumatic event.

Does Survivors' Guilt Ever Go Away?

As the saying goes, time heals all wounds. The further you get away from the combat event that caused a friend to die, the more you heal. However, there are special occasions that come around that may stir up these feelings again. For me, the day I was shot and the day my best friend passed are back to back. I can’t help but think about him every time I celebrate my own alive day. Last year I wrote my book, Cavalry, about my time in the Army and how it impacted my family and my friends.

As long as I have my friend in that book, it feels like he will never be gone. To take things even further, I wanted to make sure that his family had a chance to read this book. I had the perfect opportunity to do so and assuage my survivors' guilt as well. I sent a copy of my book to his son, who, himself, was currently deployed to Iraq in the Army.

He read the book and told me how happy he was to have that part of his dad. To be able to read about his time in the military meant a lot to him. We are good friends now, as close as me and his dad were. Survivors' guilt “functions as a recognition that we have done, or apt to do, something which endangers our vital relationships to others and ourselves.” For me, surviving my own sniper attack made me feel like I endangered my relationship with my friend.

It took over 10 years, but knowing that Snell’s son was ok made my survivors' guilt fade. When I want to remember anything about him I can read my book. When I see his son post something on Facebook about him I get so proud because my best friend lives through his son, and now we, too, are brothers.

Time healed the wound for me. Some veterans get tattoos, wear wristbands, or write poems to remember friends lost in combat. The best thing that we can do is continue to live our lives and honor the memories of our battle buddies lost in combat. A little serenity goes a long way as well. Life gets much easier after we accept the things we cannot change.