After the Physical War Is Over, the Invisible War Begins

After 20 years, war is over, officially. On Sept. 12, 2001, I was 14 years old and found out about the twin towers on my way to high school in my hometown of Rochester, New York. On Sept. 7, 2005, at 18 years old, I was officially sworn into the United States Army as a Cavalry Scout in Buffalo, New York. June 17, 2007, I was shot by a sniper while serving in Iraq at 20 years old. And this month, September 2021, I am still suffering from PTSD at 34 years of age.

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That’s 14 years of mental trauma after I left the physical battlefield in Iraq. The front lines in Iraq were riddled with Improvised Explosive Devices (IEDs), enemy combatants, and sniper fire. The invisible battlefield is full of bad memories, nightmares, and, sometimes, the urge to commit suicide. These are the injuries that cannot be seen. Casualties on the invisible battlefield show up in the military members who commit suicide after dealing with the mental trauma they faced years after leaving the physical battlefield.

When I was at the gym in Iraq in 2007 we received a warning of a mortar attack. My friends and I rushed into a bunker while mortars rained down on us from overhead. A mortar struck the bunker while we all were inside. From the sound wave that hit the bunker, I received a concussion and my left eardrum was ruptured. For the rest of my deployment, I was afraid to go out at night in fear of getting hit with another mortar, but Cavalry Scouts have to make sure that the mission is complete, so I soldiered on.

Many soldiers have hit multiple IEDs and there are many others who have been exposed to multiple blasts that caused injuries to the head. These head trauma can result in a medical condition called Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, also known as CTE. According to concussionfoundation.org “Most people diagnosed with CTE suffered hundreds or thousands of head impacts over the course of many years playing contact sports or serving in the military.” Like veterans, football players are exposed to repeated trauma over the course of multiple years.

Those football players suffering from CTE have one unfortunate thing in common with veterans: suicide. Junior Seau is one of the most notable NFL athletes diagnosed with CTE that committed suicide, but not the only one. After a career as a linebacker in the NFL his brain was severely damaged, which resulted in CTE. Like many veterans, he was fighting with himself due to an injury that affected his brain.

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. There is no demographic of individuals that have been impacted by suicide more than veterans. I was injured in 2007 and there are some moments of my life that feel as if they just happened yesterday. Certain triggers, like a clap of thunder or driving by a bag of trash in the street, can take me right back to the day I was injured. There are days after a flashback where suicide crosses my mind. I think to myself, “How long do I have to deal with this”?

The combination of the physical injuries with the mental injuries can be a bit much at times. I was shot by an AK-47 sniper rifle. The bullet shattered my femur and caused severe damage to my left leg. Since 2007 I've never gotten a break from the physical pain. Like many of my fellow veterans, the physical pain from injuries sustained on the battlefield is enough to make one consider suicide.

There are days that it seems like my invisible battlefield is harder to fight on than the physical one that I actually did fight on. When a unit receives orders for deployment, they know in advance for how long. However, there is no amount of time that anyone can tell veterans how long they will fight on the invisible battlefield. I’ve been going to therapy for years, I've been on the same medication for years, and I’ve been speaking out about mental illness for years.

According to the American Psychological Association, “[the] length of treatment also varies with the type of treatment provided; cognitive behavioral treatments, which focus on a specific problem, are generally briefer than are psychotherapies with a broader focus.” There were times that I quit my therapy because I just didn’t think I’d ever get better. I was still having nightmares, still having flashbacks, and still dealing with anxiety. I used to get tremendously upset by it all: the individual therapy, the group therapy, the EMDR, the medications.

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“Was it even worth it?” I used to ask myself after a bad flashback. Did I even make a difference when I was in the Army? Did I make a mistake by joining? Like we are seeing after fighting 20 years of war in Afghanistan, once one threat is eliminated a new one can soon take its place. After 20 years we have lost many lives and many others were injured while on the battlefield.

Things can get better on the invisible battlefield. Such healing requires the proper psychological and psychiatric treatment, a great support system, and avoiding self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. Veterans can come home from the invisible battlefield. That means no suicides, no interactions with law enforcement, and no nightmares or flashbacks. Especially during this week, but during the other 51 as well, we must remember those fallen on the battlefields—both visible and invisible—and do whatever we can to support those still fighting the enemies in our minds.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7 contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK, or the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, see the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.