Are You Over-Functioning in Your Relationship?

Sue is exasperated with the countless times she’s asked Mick to help her with household chores. They’ve been married for seven years, and this has been an argument “on repeat.”

Sue’s voice is full of righteous indignation, “Do you think it’s too much to ask? I mean, he could do the dishes once in a while. Or help with the laundry. I’m at my wit’s end.”

On the surface, most people would think, “Dude, help her out.”

But underneath Sue’s justifications and behind her “reasonable” requests, there is a much more complicated pattern. Sue is what therapists might call the “over-functioning” partner in the relationship. (And Mick’s passivity is a classic example of “under-functioning.”)

Talking further, it’s clear Sue carries a constantly-active agenda for Mick’s participation. Sue not only maintains a long list of ways he should help, but she also has strong opinions about how Mick should handle each task. She doesn't mind watching over his shoulder to point out his failure to stack the dishes right or keep the trash bin spotless after emptying or showing him how to re-fold the towels a particular way. Sue was so sure of her requests that she didn’t notice that Mick had given up on participating in household tasks as a way of avoiding her hyper-vigilant management.

The over-functioning pattern doesn’t necessarily have to contain this much discord or animosity, but let’s look at what’s underneath the pattern of over-functioning.

If she’s deeply honest, Sue would probably have to face that she relates to Mick as “one-down” from her (not quite as good as her, not quite as savvy, functional or on top of it). It’s likely she (unconsciously) sees herself as the one in the right, the one with the better ideas and endless energy to keep the household running in the best way. She might be so focused on making sure things get done, she’s unaware of the destructive aspect of relating to her partner as ‘not quite as good as.’ This tendency means she starts to relate to him in a directive, controlling way, rather than as an equal in every respect. It doesn't mean Mick has to be as organized or meticulous as Sue — his way is different, but equally valid.

In another example, Teodoro expects Lucia to follow his direction about how to raise their two daughters, Isabella, 7 and Gabriela, 9. When Lucia starts to tell him about how their day went, he interrupts to give her instructions on how to interact with them and how to ‘correct’ the girls when they misbehave. On many occasions, Lucia has tried to offer a different point of view, but Teodoro is convinced that his idea of parenting is the best, and he overrides any suggestions Lucia has. He’s well-anchored in his views, and isn’t noticing the effect his need-for-control has on his closeness with Lucia.

It seems those who over-function are unaware that they are managing high levels of anxiety by trying to control everything. They know the best way to get to the restaurant, the ‘correct’ way to clean windows, the importance of feeling like they’re on top of things — and they typically want their partner to get with the program. Except the partner can’t. While Teodoro loves his daughters and truly wants the best for them, he’s unaware that he’s going about his parenting scheme in a way that leaves Lucia on the sidelines. He’s never wondered why he’s so terrifically anxious about how his daughters might act or develop — that mask of rightness keeps him from looking behind the need to manage so tightly.

You see, those who over-function take on the responsibilities, emotions, well-being, and needs of those around them — whether others want them to or not - usually as a way of managing their anxieties or insecurities. Their work lies in starting to uncover, understand and address the underlying anxiety; they need to be able to realize their need to manage things has a very destructive side. True intimacy happens when two people are equal, which means Sue’s going to have to challenge that need to ‘manage’ Mick in order to make room for him to be a fully-equal partner, and Teodoro has to loosen his grip on managing the entire parenting scheme.

So, what can they do to begin this work?

They can:

• Get sincerely curious about what the underlying anxiety is about, that chronic need for things to be ‘just so’ that drives them
• Help themselves remember that there’s a deep, underlying choice between control and true closeness
• Start to challenge the notion that the only way they can be comfortable is if/when things are handled the way they prefer
• Begin to step back and see that Mick/Lucia have their own way of doing things, and sometimes that’s OK
• Maybe do some deep history work with this pattern. One of my mentors used to say, “Babies aren’t born this way” (needing to control, etc.), so get curious about how you came to believe that control was the antidote to feeling anxious. Where was that learned?

I do a lot of work with couples, and this over-functioning/under-functioning pattern is one that creates so much distance and unhappiness. Both sides have to change for real intimacy to arise — and that entails each side working on the anxiety that's underneath. (We'll talk about the under-functioning side next, and you'll see how well the pattern fits together!)