What's a Mother to Do When Adult Children Fight?

I recently received a message from a mother in need of advice:

I have never been this upset. Let me explain what happened. This has been quite a year for me and my family. I was diagnosed with breast cancer this year and my husband of 30 years died of a heart attack in our home two years ago so he was unable to come with me to my chemotherapy infusions. My two daughters took turns coming to my infusions with me. My two oldest daughters both live less than an hour away from me and have job flexibility so they were able to accompany me. I am so grateful for them. Now here comes the problem. My youngest child, my son, was unable to come to any treatments with me even though he lives in New York City, where I received my treatment. He travels a lot and works very long hours. Even though he couldn't come to my chemo sessions, he was very supportive. He called me frequently and visited me when he was not traveling for work.

Now, I am done with my treatments but I have major family problems. My oldest daughter is not talking to my son. She told him that she is done with him. She said that he should have made himself more available to me during the time of cancer treatments. I told her that I am not angry with him so she shouldn't be either. She told me that I have always favored him. Maybe this is true, since he is my youngest child and only boy. I am so upset about my daughter cutting off my son. I don't know how to be helpful. I asked my middle daughter if she could help but she said that she doesn't want to get involved. I don't want to do anything wrong here. Please advise.

Here's my advice for the mother:

I can answer your question based not only on my clinical experience but also on research on this topic.

First, you are not alone here. Over the course of a lifetime, siblings do, at times, deal with unresolved emotional issues by emotional distancing. Of course, you feel that you or your middle daughter should intervene but it is best if you stay out of the conflict and let your siblings figure this out on their own. According to the very recently published longitudinal work of Hank and Steinbach (2023), sibling cut-offs tend to be temporary. This mirrors what I have seen. Siblings tend to move on and find their way back to each other. It is important that you not be seen as taking sides here. That would only prolong and intensify the conflict. You don't want to add embers to a fire, right? Having said that, when you host get-togethers, invite all of your children, so you provide opportunities for connection.

Second, according to Hank and Steinbach, when estrangement happens between biological siblings, it is most likely to occur between opposite-sex children. Apparently, the relationship between sisters is the least vulnerable to estrangement because the sister-sister bond tends to be the strongest and most connected. This mimics what is happening in your family. I am sure that this is not necessarily comforting, but may be helpful in that you gain some understanding of the dynamics at play here.

Third, sibling distancing is related to the occurrence of disruptive family events, according to the research. In your case, there were two major sources of stress and family disruption. You lost your husband, and your kids lost their father. Additionally, you got sick, and this brought out the issue of fairness with your kids. This is often an issue that triggers estrangement, that is, when one child feels like they are doing more than another.

In the case of your oldest daughter, it sounds like she has been upset with her brother for a long time, feeling that he is favored. This may or may not be the case, but it is nonetheless valid because it is your daughter's perception and, therefore, her truth. It will not be helpful to try to disabuse her of her feelings.

The takeaway for you is to let time pass and continue to have your own unique relationships with each child. Try very hard to stay away from the topic of the emotional distancing. The more you push, the less likely things are to resolve. As you know all too well, kids do not want to be told what to do, particularly during their adult lives. The research and my experience point to cut-offs ending over the course of time. I am nonetheless sorry that you have to go through this. The good news is that you seem to have good relationships with all of your three children. That is no small thing.