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Key points
- Fifteen percent of U.S. men say they have no close friends at all.
- For middle-aged men, sustaining existing friendships can be increasingly difficult.
- For younger men, initiation skill deficits are a core issue.
- Initiation skills and relationship deepening skills can be learned.
Two of the most difficult things a middle-aged man faces are creating new friendships and sustaining old ones.
The first challenge is meeting new people.
Opportunities will vary but in a place like Southern California, a few might be playing beach volleyball or doing yoga. Doing anything that brings you joy in a social setting will afford opportunities to connect.
For men with social anxiety, though, even this might be a big leap. A simple strategy is to keep your goal simple; for example, to introduce yourself to someone new this week. Friendships start with simple interactions.
The second great challenge is sustaining and deepening friendships. Many men fear intimacy or don’t know how to create it with their words.
Some neuroatypical men may have particular challenges reading social cues and pacing. Anyone with challenges in social functioning should meet with a qualified professional to level up their friend-making game.
Conversation-based connections also require spending quality time together. Marisa Franco, the author of Platonic, suggests that this is what fosters a secure attachment. Secure attachment in friendships is strongly associated with improved psychological well-being, better heart health, stronger immune functioning, and—especially important for older adults—improved cognitive functioning.
If you’ve had a friend since grade school and can go months without talking but pick up your emotional connection quickly when you do, then you likely know what a secure attachment with a longtime friend is.
But those attachments are few and far between and represent a level of commitment to initiating.
Just as in long-term romantic relationships, our closest friendships often have a shared experience of vulnerability and trust.
Best friends often share core values and dreams. They champion each other's dreams. They get involved.
Men continue to struggle with staying involved in each other's lives and consistently spending time together.
In an interview with Geoffrey Grief of the University of Maryland, I asked what was our biggest hurdle to creating this kind of friendship. Grief suggested that many men continue to experience anxiety over consistent initiation as it can be experienced as a level of intimacy they find uncomfortable.
The underlying challenge for these men is to lean into that discomfort and text their friends today with a simple message: “What are you up this week?”
Grief shares that there are a few friend categories: must friends, trust friends, rust friends, and just friends. Must friends appear to be the most difficult to develop from scratch in your 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.
Female partners have historically invited their men into social connection, which is one strong and persistent value of long-term partnerships in heterosexual relationships.
Men who were raised in emotionally expressive homes where conversation was often infused with emotion and shared emotional language are the most advanced in the modern relationship landscape.
Must friends are often confidants, entrusted with our deepest thoughts. Men who connect with each other more consistently will have the best chance to deepen their friendship.
Consistency is the goal, especially for those with insecure attachment styles.
Initiation and consistency are the antidotes to avoidance and anxiety. The hope of future generations rests in our ability to shed avoidance and anxiety of intimacy from our masculinity.
Current fathers who model emotionally close male friendships for their children are a step ahead in setting the bedrock for the future we all want, one in which the epidemic of loneliness subsides and men have better social skills.
While it may take another 100 years for that future to come, what we do this week counts.
Reach out to a friend today.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Facebook image: Alexander Image/Shutterstock
References
Franco, M. G. (2022). Platonic: how the science of attachment can help you make—and keep—friends. G.P. Putnam's Sons.
