The Power of Commitment

Source: Victoria Strelka/Pexels

Over the last 20 years, there has been a noticeable leveling out of risks associated with cohabitation before marriage.

It’s now fairly unremarkable in most corners of the United States to find acceptance of premarital cohabitation. In recent polls, only 14 percent say it’s never acceptable, while nearly 80 percent of adults under 30 see it as a reasonable option.

For emerging adults, some evidence suggests that marriage is not the primary reason for moving in together, at least initially (Dover & Willoughby, 2024). Polling data supports this finding, with the top three reasons for moving in including love, companionship, and wanting to make a formal commitment.

Kuo and Raley (2016) found that for people who began to cohabit from 1990 to 1995, 41 percent of cohabitors transitioned to marriage. Then from 2005 to 2010, only 24 percent transitioned to marriage. Marriage rates have consistently fallen over the last several decades.

Despite seemingly dire consequences for the institution of marriage, a 2019 Pew Research poll found that 66 percent of married adults lived with their spouse before marriage. These respondents had seen moving in as a step toward marriage. And 63 percent of cohabiters who were engaged viewed moving in together similarly.

Happiness and Satisfaction

Who are the happiest couples?

A recent study examining differences between midlife couples that are dating, living apart together, cohabiting, and married/cohabiting suggests little difference in relationship satisfaction (Brown et al., 2022). However, married couples appear to have the highest reported levels of perceived happiness.

New relationship types are gaining steam. “Living apart together” (LAT) relationships, for instance, involve a couple in a long-term partnership but who live in separate residences.

The authors describe, particularly for those over 50, that cohabitation outside of marriage can be experienced as a substitute for marriage. In these relationships, couples get all of the benefits of sharing a life without the obligations of marriage. For example, there’s a trend of disinterest in the traditional caretaking responsibilities that accompany illness in older age (Sassler & Miller, 2023). It’s unclear in this new norm what happens when one partner becomes chronically ill.

Risk

If the old arguments about risk have lost their credibility, is there a benefit to the intent to marry before living together?

It is conjecture to suggest people do better at living together just because they’re married. Getting married bestows no inherent improvement in relationship skills or compatibility. In a modern relationship, though, it does appear that a slight advantage in happiness comes with the commitment expressed through engagement and marriage. That commitment can be the foundation for compromise and mutual sharing of influence, among other things. These are critical for thriving while living together.

For Gen Z, unmarried and married cohabiting couples may more regularly experience similar levels of satisfaction and happiness. But for now, most of us are happier married, especially men.

Whether a couple is living together or not, trust and commitment remain central to any long, fierce, and healthy love.