Describing Sexual Assault in a Language Men Can Understand

Source: metoo-2859980_1920 Pixabay Surdumihail

Imagine this scenario. A mid-level actress is ecstatic when she is invited to attend a party held at one of the most influential Hollywood talent agents in the world. She selects a flattering outfit, then goes to the party with her spouse. Once there, surrounded by a bevy of famous actors and actresses, she meets the agent for the first time. She sticks out her hand to shake his, and is shocked when instead of doing the same, he reaches out and grabs her crotch and squeezes. She jumps back, saying, “hey, hey,” but the man just licks his lips at her. She quickly escapes to another area of the room, but minutes later the agent is back, trying to grope her again. At this point, she forcefully pushes him away, sending him bumping into the other party attendees. But all the agent does is laugh. So she leaves the party with her spouse, and in the parking lot shares the details of the encounter. Anger and shame wash over her as she struggles with what she should do. Should she go back in and confront him? Should she report it to the police? In the end, she does neither.

It seems like every day we are hearing another story like this one. Of a woman harassed or groped or sexually assaulted by a man in power. And when this happens, a barrage of questions for the victim usually follow. Why didn’t she report the incident to the police immediately? Why didn’t she confront him or physically push back in the moment? Did she invite the harassment because of the outfit she was wearing?

Now reimagine this scenario, but instead of a woman, it is a 6 ft. 3 in. tall Black man weighing in at 240 pounds. Because that is what actually happened. The scenario above is exactly what occurred to Terry Crews, the former NFL player turned actor. In a recent interview on Good Morning America (see interview here), Crews details the incident, how it made him feel, and how he initially did not report it to the police. What makes this interview so powerful is that here is a big, buff, heterosexual man talking about an experience that few straight men have ever had (although most women have). And in his description, he details the anger and shame and fear he experienced in terms that most men can relate to.

For example, he describes how “emasculated” he felt in that moment when the agent groped him. That simple act had completely stripped him of his male identity. In psychology, when women experience this it is called “objectification.” She no longer feels like a woman, no longer even feels like a human being. Instead she is made to feel as if she were just a sexual object, with no thoughts or feelings of her own.

When asked why Crews didn’t just haul off and punch the agent, he describes the imbalance of power that made such an action impossible. Using the best metaphor I’ve heard to date for the abuse of power, Crews said, “Your dream, it's like a child…your dreams, goals, aspirations are just as valuable as your children. And someone binds up your dream and holds a gun to its head and is gonna kill it if you don’t do this, if you don’t stay quiet. It’s a hostage situation. You are dealing with a terrorist.” Because men hold more power in this country than women (be it socially, financially, or politically), men are less likely to fully comprehend how just having power exerts control over others. But when the assaulter holds power, it puts the victim in a position to where they can’t say no to the sexual advances, even though they desperately want to.

When asked why he didn’t come forward and report the incident earlier, Crews says he didn’t think anyone would’ve believe him. Who would believe his word over this highly powerful titan? Further, he stated with another powerful metaphor, “When a person of power breaks that boundary, violates that boundary, you’re a prisoner of war. Immediately, you’re in a camp. Because you’re trying to figure out when is the right time to come out. When the guard turns their head? When they leave the door open? You’re digging tunnels with spoons and you’re trying to find a way out. And then you get out, and you finally find freedom [and speak out] and somebody says, ‘Well it must not be that bad. You should’ve come out sooner.’ And you’re like ‘I’m free! I finally got free!...This is the thing a lot of people don’t understand and they end up blaming the victim.”

With the slew of accusations coming out each week and the highly successful #MeToo movement, it seems our society is in a watershed moment. Victims are finally feeling able to come forward with their stories. Because the majority of women have experienced some form of sexual assault (most statistics put it around 70%), most women can empathize with these victims. Men, I believe, have a harder time putting themselves in the situation of the victim. That is why it is so important for men like Terry Crews to share their stories publically. Because he describes his experience in terms and analogies that resonate with men in a way that a woman’s description might not.

The truth is that although the majority of women experience sexual harassment, the majority of men are not sexual harassers. This means that in order for the majority of women to be victimized, all it takes is (1) a few perpetrators and (2) a situation that allows these perpetrators to go unchecked. Most men don’t contribute to the first cause, but they may unknowingly be contributing to the second. How many men were aware of Harvey Weinstein’s or Kevin Spacey’s or Louis C. K.’s behavior and didn’t stop it?

I would encourage everyone to watch the Terry Crews interview on GMA and share it with the men in their lives. Hopefully, it will give them a fresh perspective on a very old problem.