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Relationships
Tools for Building Better Boundaries in Relationships
Boundary basics so you can learn to set them in all relationships.
Posted October 5, 2022 Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster
Key points
- Three styles of communication we may implement when setting parameters around ourselves or what we value are aggressive, assertive, and passive.
- Those with aggressive boundaries can push on others, and those with passive boundaries often feel like others are controlling them.
- Assertive boundaries are when you advocate for yourself while being fair to others.
People frequently ask me questions about boundaries in relationships. Much can be said on this topic, but before we get to that, we first need to lay down some basic facts about boundaries. This foundation will make it so we can build on this knowledge in the future. If you’re confused about the definition of boundaries and how to implement them in your life, keep reading. This post is for you.
The first thing I want to share with you is the general concept of aggressive, passive, and assertive boundaries. Aggressive, passive, and assertive are likely terms you’ve heard before in other contexts, and they can also apply to boundaries. They are three styles of communication we may implement when setting parameters around ourselves or what we value.
A person with aggressive boundaries can push on others, making them feel that the aggressor is controlling, intimidating, or acting superior to them. Broadly speaking, aggressive boundaries can lead to isolation for the aggressor because it makes others wary of interaction. However, this is likely not the intended outcome of the aggressor.
A person with passive boundaries often feels like others are controlling them. If you’ve ever been told that you are–or have felt like–a doormat, you likely have passive boundaries. This is problematic because it means your needs are not being met. If you have passive boundaries, interactions can become intolerable because you begin to feel like others in your life are violating you. Then this can lead to passive-aggressive or even aggressive behaviors in a faulty attempt to rebalance the scales.
As you probably already guessed, the ideal is to have assertive boundaries. The wonderful thing about assertive boundaries is that they are mutual. They honor you and the other person, meaning everyone maintains their dignity. When being assertive, whether we are speaking specifically about boundaries or not, you advocate for yourself while being fair to the other person.
Listeners to my podcast, the Savvy Psychologist, commonly ask me, “What can I have a boundary about?” The most obvious boundaries we have are physical. You can draw the line about who can touch your body or enter your physical spaces, like your room. In addition, you can also have boundaries that relate to your mental and emotional well-being.
These can include things like your personal feelings, preferences, values, morals, personal time, etc. For example, if you were vegan and going to a wedding, it is okay for you to state that you would need to have a vegan meal option. If you want to spend your weekend at home alone reading and doing household chores, you can let your friends know that you are busy and that simply engaging in solo activities doesn’t mean you’re doing "nothing."
Patients in my office and listeners of my podcast commonly express concerns over the potential risks of boundaries. In most situations, people have avoided healthy boundaries for a reason. It could be because they may have grown up in an environment where they learned that they could be punished for having healthy boundaries, and the concept of saying no to another person couldn’t even enter their mind. If they're a people-pleaser, the idea that someone could be angry at them for saying no or setting a boundary could feel unbearable.
I also hear two common fears in boundary setting.
The first is the fear of losing the relationship, which I hear frequently. There are two broad ways of approaching this that I would suggest. The first is to check the facts. Sometimes, we fear losing a relationship, but this notion is all in our heads. Nothing in the environment suggests that this person would leave us if we set a boundary. I ask, “Well, are they open to communication? Are they typically willing to compromise? Do they normally seem to prioritize your needs as well as their own, etc.?” The person looks at me and says, “Yes, they are great,” and then lists all the ways this person displays that they will likely be open to boundary setting.
Anxiety is a tricky beast. It reminds me a lot of the character Loki. Sometimes this sneaky character will make you see things that aren’t there. So, it’s always important to check the facts, then proceed in a way that makes sense.
If you have this fear, check the facts, and if you may end up losing the relationship by setting boundaries, then you need to change your tactics. I would strongly encourage you to do an inventory of your relationships with your therapist and see if these relationships provide benefit to your life. There are times when removing a relationship or at least creating more distance in one makes the most sense.
The second most common fear I hear is the fear of guilt. So often, patients talk about how guilty they will feel by setting a boundary. It is true that until you get used to setting boundaries and advocating for yourself, you will experience some feelings of guilt. However, sometimes our initial reaction to something is incorrect, and we should not act on it. For instance, if you were on fire, your initial reaction might be to run around screaming, but obviously running while on fire is the wrong thing to do in that scenario. This is why we all learned to stop, drop and roll in school.
Guilt makes sense when you’ve done something wrong. If I came up to you and asked you for $100 and you don’t have it to give or don’t want to give it to me, you telling me “no,” isn’t you doing something wrong. Unless you owe me money for a service I provided, I have no claim over your bank account. You’re allowed to have this limit.
The main reason you feel guilt in these types of scenarios is because of your perception. There is likely a “should” that arose in your mind. If you’re a people-pleaser, these “shoulds” present an idea that you're obligated to sacrifice your needs for the service of others. Anytime you think the word “should” or “always” or “never,” that’s a cue to check the facts.
Setting boundaries in your relationships can be challenging, but there are practical ways to establish boundaries. Over time, when you’re implementing healthy boundaries and seeing the positive consequences in your life, the feeling of guilt will either disappear or diminish because your perception will change as you engage in healthier behaviors.
