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Key points
- Couples are often under a great deal of stress, making it difficult for them to connect.
- There are so many stressors that people experience "stress spillover" in their relationships.
- Stress spillover can impact our ability to cope and ultimately can send us into self-regulation depletion.
Jill and Henry both work full-time jobs and have two small children. They have a mix of child care help that includes each of their mothers, a neighborhood babysitter, and sometimes their siblings. From week to week, their child care situation changes and because of this, they are often left scrambling to find coverage. When they can’t find coverage, one of them stays home from work.
Beyond navigating child care, they face a number of stressors during the week: work deadlines, endless unexpected house repairs—their 3-year-old recently shoved a roll of toilet paper down the toilet drain, which then flooded the downstairs foyer—and the administrative tasks of life, like making phone calls to their cable company to figure out why a recent payment didn't post.
When the week is over, Jill and Henry are ready to exhale and enjoy their weekend. They go to bed on Friday night excited to relax and have fun with each other come Saturday morning. However, a funny thing happens. Almost like clockwork, they get into a significant weekend morning argument.
On this particular weekend, it went a little bit like this. Their youngest infant son woke up a little earlier than usual. Henry hopped up to get him so that Jill could sleep in. However, their oldest was awoken and ran into their bedroom. While tired, Jill was still excited to cuddle and play with him. In different rooms, Henry and Jill start texting about their plans for the day.
When Jill goes downstairs, she sees the state of the house after a busy week. She notices her heart racing and starts feeling immediately agitated. “We absolutely cannot leave this house until we get it cleaned up,” she states abruptly. Henry and their older son feel a little surprised by the change in demeanor. What happened? Jill was just cuddling in bed and being playful a few moments earlier.
Henry looks around and assesses that if they decide to clean up the house, they won’t have time to do the other plans they made. On top of it, he was hoping to get a little time during naps to complete a work project. “How about we do it tomorrow?” Henry asks.
Jill starts to seethe. “You’re kidding, right? Our house is a mess because NO ONE cleans up around here. It’s disgusting. I don’t even want to go do anything else until it’s cleaned up.” Recognizing that Jill is likely right, Henry agrees and they both jump into action moving laundry about the house, picking things up, washing dishes, and vacuuming.
Finally, the house is clean enough and they get the kids ready to hop into the car to go do something fun. But, their 3-year-old is fighting his car seat. Instead of being able to collaborate on what’s going on, they start criticizing each other and before they know it, they are arguing about topics that have nothing to do with a toddler or a car seat.
Once everyone gets in the car, they sit silently looking out the windows. Welp, Saturday is ruined, they both think.
After Jill and Henry start to feel more calm in their bodies and have the kids down for a late afternoon nap, they sit and talk with each other. Like other conversations they have had after a disappointing Saturday morning, they can’t figure out exactly what happened between them. They have an otherwise good relationship and feel loved and supported by each other. It doesn’t make sense that on the day they finally get to spend time together, they end up yelling at each other.
Self-Regulatory Depletion and Stress Spillover
As a couples therapist, here is why I would tell them it does make sense. Jill and Henry are experiencing what is known as self-regulatory depletion from “stress spillover." (See a study about stress spillover in early marriage here.) This means that they both have navigated so much stress during the week that it has spilled over into the weekend. By the time Saturday comes around, they are depleted of their coping skills.
When they wake up on Saturday morning and realize they still need to do more stressful work—mow the lawn, get the laundry together, clean up the dog pee on the carpet—they just can’t take it anymore. They aren’t arguing because they are mad at each other; they are arguing because their capacity to manage any more stress is essentially non-existent.
In my work with couples, many of them are in otherwise happy, functional relationships and yet they find themselves arguing and disconnected because they are completely depleted from the bombardment of navigating complex, stressful tasks from week to week.
Learning to “Take a Beat”
While it’s not a simple problem to solve (which is why I wrote an entire book on it), identifying the issue is a good first step. It gives you and your partner new language to discuss what is happening. Instead of becoming accusatory towards each other, you can become a united front “against the stress.” Next time you wake up on a Saturday morning and start arguing, try to reference the real cause—stress spillover—during the conflict. For example, you could say “OK, let’s pause. This is all because of stress spilling over into the weekend and we are both totally depleted. Let’s just take a beat."
This does a few things:
- Identifies the real issue.
- Serves as an “out loud” reminder that your partner is on your side against the real enemy: stress.
- Gives you both an opportunity to reframe your thoughts and create a more accurate appraisal of the situation.
- Allows you to take a moment before spiraling into a strong physiological stress response (which is harder to get out of) by “taking a beat,” taking a breath, and reassessing what needs to happen.
When we are being burdened by life's stressors, our nervous systems take a hit. After a while, it can be difficult to self-regulate and sometimes that spills over into our relationships. Learning to recognize stress and then take a pause as soon as possible to regroup can help you to reduce conflict and improve your connection.
