7 Ways to Handle High-Conflict People During The Holidays

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As discussed in my previous articles, people with high-conflict personalities (HCPs) may not possess the emotional maturity and capacity to ever have healthy emotional relationships. Ways to recognize high-conflict personalities include being aware of long-term interactional patterns, including the presence of continuous emotional dramas and conflict, the inability to engage in effective rupture and repairs in relationships, and interactions that leave you feeling drained, confused, or anxious vs. positive and energized.

HCPs tend to think of themselves first, engage in chronic self-absorbed behavior, and show a lack of empathy or remorse for past grievances, a behavior pattern that often leaves others around them feeling hurt. These characteristics, among others,(i.e., a tendency to gaslight others or "forget" previous conflicts) make it difficult to have a close relationship with them. As a result, many people in their orbit choose not to have a relationship at all, while some set boundaries to limit their time with them or otherwise minimize their interactions. However, during the holidays, many find a unique set of challenges with the HCPs in their lives.

The holidays can be a wonderful time of the year to spend with loved ones, yet stress is common. The pressures of travel and entertaining, combined with financial concerns and time constraints, can cause significant tension. Further, needing to interact with high-conflict personalities, people who struggle with drug or alcohol dependency, or those with undiagnosed mental health issues can further induce anxiety, even dread. Holiday gatherings can be particularly taxing if there has been a history of conflicts, arguments, and tension in the past. And unfortunately, due to their emotional immaturity, HCPs are generally unable to put differences aside and may be driven by emotion, causing further drama (Lester, 2021).

Many of my clients report that they "have no choice" but to spend more time with certain family members, co-workers, and friends who possess these traits during the holiday season. They may feel guilty if they distance themselves or do not see their family, even if they're impossible to deal with. Other reasons include wanting to see others at the same gathering, not wanting to make waves, or they may find it important that their children have relationships with other family members, even those who have HCP traits.

7 Strategies to Manage Conflict During The Holidays

If you feel you must interact with a high-conflict personality during the holidays, what can you do to cope? Start here:

1. Reframe your expectations. Your goal for your time together should be to “have a nice time that is free of conflict,” rather than attempting to fix the past. An alternate goal could be promoting a positive relationship between your kids and the high-conflict family member; thus, a successful outcome would be them having a positive interaction, even if your interactions with the same family member have some bumps.
2. Manage the relationship; do not engage. Focus on the outcome of a particular interaction, not the relationship itself. Engaging and attempting to repair relationships with emotionally immature people tends to be very unlikely, during the holiday season or at other times of year. Approaching the relationship differently is key.
3. Set limits on exposure time. Determine in advance exactly how much time you will need to spend during your visits. Is it a few hours? An evening? Are they visiting you for a week? Once you have this number in mind, it can become a source of comfort—for example, telling yourself “This is only for a few hours; I can do this.” To further set limits, consider surrounding yourself with “buffers,” or safer people and family members (i.e., those who are mature or not drinking heavily).
4. Change the subject. Remember, you will not be able to reason with the unreasonable. Keep subjects light when the HCP wants to pull you into “drama” (Lester, 2021). Be prepared for this and have alternate strategies and interventions for when it occurs. Distractions, re-directing the conversation to something more positive, or even introducing a shared activity such as a game, a Netflix series, or a sports game may be helpful.
5. Focus on humor. Sharing positive or funny family memories may help lighten the mood if things get tense. Photo albums and videos may help others recall these positive memories or trigger storytelling.
6. Take breaks. Taking breaks could mean taking a walk, going outside, or even going to the bathroom or another room to re-group. Taking deep breaths (try inhaling for six seconds, then exhaling for six seconds) can help reduce anxiety or tension and calm your autonomic nervous system if you get triggered.
7. Detach. Mindfulness skills can help you observe the interaction and detach from it emotionally. If pulled into a conflict with a high-conflict person, mentally repeating the words "detach, detach, detach" can help remove yourself mentally and avoid reacting emotionally.

This article also appears on wwww.drtracyhutchinson.com.

Copyright 2023: Dr. Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D.