Talking Points: How To Communicate the Way You Need To

Recently I was coaching a client who had taken a new job. His challenge was that his new manager was a person who liked to debate a lot. Some people enjoy a bit of argument for argument’s sake; it is a way to tease out different views. While not everyone likes the person who plays “devil’s advocate,” for some it forces one to think against their own instinct. Unfortunately for my client, he is not the sort who likes to participate in that kind of interaction. Some people delight in intellectual banter; some feel it’s just sanctioned confrontation.

Manage the communication

For most of us, managing upwards is as important as overlooking a team that reports to us. You have to find a way to relate to your boss that they will respect and enjoy, otherwise you will constantly suffer from poor communication. One of the ways you can do this is to recall a lesson you learned long ago: how to play well with others. As children, we start off interacting in whichever ways our parents taught us to. For some, that meant being quiet and polite. Others learned to stand up and be heard. But once children begin spending more time with their own peers, all those styles begin to knock into each other—sometimes literally. At that point, we begin to negotiate our communication style. As children, our goal is friendship and acceptance, but the point is the same. Those who are quiet may learn to speak up more to be included. Those who were taught to take charge learn to wait their turn. But the lesson we learn is that we must meet others on the playground where they are, to play the way that they do, if we are to build relationships.

You can work it out

As adults in a workplace environment, we will naturally find ourselves in a hierarchy, in which case the person who is most senior will heavily influence communication. My client has a quieter personality, but he had to learn to embrace his boss’s style. If he had not, he would have fought an (untrue) perception of being weak or uncertain. Speaking up, defending his position, and being prepared to face a few rounds of debate ultimately was a more effective way of meeting his boss on his part of the playground, so to speak.

We hear different things

Part of the challenge of communication is that we all have very different styles and expectations. This is especially important to understand in a diverse workplace. Studies of the psychology of communication show that the way we interact is deeply cultural. In fact, some even argue that communication is as much ritual as it is sharing of information. How we speak to each other signals everything from shared values to distinction of rank (who is the boss) to our sense of safety (whispers and shouting). There are countless different factors in our psychological makeup and socialization that inform our communication styles. I don’t know why my client’s boss prefers to debate things with his team; all I can do to help my client is teach him to speak that person’s language. He will be better heard and feel valued.

Most people are familiar with mirroring, which is more about mimicking others’ body language. It has been consistently proven to be an effective way to build empathy and bonding between people. But our spoken communication styles can also be adjusted to more closely resemble those we need to align with. This is true both for listening to different styles, and in how we say things back. It can be difficult and feel artificial at first. But understanding and becoming adept at doing this can help the other person respect what you are saying, if you change how you are saying it. It isn’t about losing your own communication style entirely; it is a way of learning to play with others so you are included.

Source: Kampus Production/Pexels

Obviously, I am not suggesting that anyone should ever tolerate abusive behavior or disrespectful commentary. But along the continuum of appropriate interaction, you can improve communication with others if you try to mirror some of their style. And the more different their style is from your own, the more important it is to develop this skill. It can create a sense of empathy and understanding, as well as gain you more respect and improve how you are perceived.