The Problem With Guilt

You might think that, as professors, we get our summers “off.” The reality is that summer is our most productive time of year for research. While it is lovely to be left to our own devices, for us (and we suspect most of our colleagues) summer is also the time of year when guilt comes into bloom.

We hear you asking, “What’s wrong with you two?!” Let us explain.

Our summer work goals and deadlines are self-imposed. Since we set the expectations, we should easily meet them, right? Ha, no. Being experts on judgment and decision-making does not make us any less susceptible to the planning fallacy, optimism bias, and the many other cognitive distortions that cause people to overestimate their ability to get stuff done. At the same time, we expect ourselves to be fun parents, supportive partners, and great friends all summer long.

Guess what? That’s all not actually possible yet we convince ourselves that it is and when we fall behind in even one of those categories the guilt creeps in. Paradoxically, being high achievers only makes it worse.

In the iconic film "Dead Poets Society," John Keating (an educator like us, played by Robin Williams) encourages his students to think beyond the rigid norms of their conservative preparatory school. He urges them to seize their days, make their lives extraordinary, and sound their barbaric yawps over the rooftops of the world. Unfortunately, this leads to tragic consequences for which Keating is plagued with guilt. We get it.

Of course, educators do not have a monopoly on guilt. It is a normal human tendency to judge and blame ourselves for outcomes that may or may not be in our control. We ruminate on what we “could have” done differently. As a result, guilt impacts our sleep, increases anxiety, and contributes to gastrointestinal disorders and cardiovascular disease.

Does this mean that we’d all be better off without guilt? Nope. That's because guilt is an essential building block of conscience and the “quintessential moral emotion.”

Guilt serves an important purpose in guiding our behavior by causing us to evaluate our moral worth and how we fit in the various communities to which we belong. Along with shame and embarrassment, it is part of the self-conscious emotion family and these inward facing emotions motivate ethical behavior. This is because, according to Professor Jonathan Haidt, guilt stems from a feeling that we have caused some sort of distress or harm to someone we care about and it makes us want to apologize or confess to ensure that we restore ourselves in those relationships.

Guilt is tricky. Feeling guilty makes us realize we have messed up – even if we haven’t! We can feel guilty in cases where we only perceive that we violated a moral rule. In other words, we don’t have to actually DO anything wrong to feel guilty; likely not news to anyone who has been subjected to a guilt trip before. And we have all faced dilemmas where any choice we make is certain to harm someone or something we care about. This form of cognitive dissonance makes psychological suffering unavoidable.

Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “I hardly ever feel guilty.” That is possible because some people are just more prone to guilt than others. However, it is also true that individuals who lack feelings of guilt when causing harm to others (physically or emotionally) may be experiencing psychopathy or sociopathy.

If guilt is important, necessary, and unpleasant, how do we deal with it? Step one is to acknowledge the guilt. Therapists often say we need to feel our feelings so accept the fact that you are feeling guilty. Ignoring your guilt is a surefire way to feel terrible both emotionally and physically.

Next, you can help combat those feelings through self-reflection. Why are you feeling guilty? Did you truly do something wrong, or are you accepting someone else’s appraisal of the situation or holding yourself to some impossible standard? If you did something wrong, make amends. If you didn’t do something wrong but feel guilty anyway you still have options. You can vent to a trusted friend (like a coauthor) or family member who responds with compassion and empathy or you can seek professional guidance from a therapist or counselor. You should also set boundaries with anyone attempting to use your guilt to manipulate you.

Another option, and our personal favorite, is making a list! If you are feeling guilty because you aren’t “doing enough” for all the people in your life, take a moment and jot down all the things you do for the people around you. See that? You are amazing! You should not be feeling guilty for not meeting the ridiculous standards society places on us.

Guilt Essential Reads

I'll Never Tell: Rethinking the Psychology of Secrecy

Parental Engagement When an Adult Child Has a Mental Illness

Finally, take a moment to feel proud of yourself. Pride is the opposite of guilt and in its most authentic form, it allows for feeling satisfied with your accomplishments. We aren’t advocating for hubris, just a healthy dose of acknowledging that you are doing your best and that is what matters. If this seems too hard, one way to start on this path is by shifting the way you talk to yourself. Instead of criticizing your every move (What’s wrong with me? Why do I act like this? What a stupid decision.), talk to yourself like a mentor or how you talk to the people in your life you care about (You’re making progress. I see how hard you are working. I believe in you.).

It’s important to note that for any of these approaches to work you are going to need some self-compassion and that doesn’t just happen. It takes effort and a different perspective on yourself. One way to get that perspective happens in one of the most famous scenes from "Dead Poets Society." John Keating jumps up on his desk in front of the classroom and proclaims, "I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way."

That’s pretty great advice in life and when it comes to dealing with guilt. If you need a desk to jump on to shift your perspective and start addressing your guilt, we will lend you one. Just take off your shoes first so that you don’t end up feeling guilty later.