The Context-Sensitive Self: Anxiety vs. Sociopathy

Source: Adobe stock image by pathdoc, licensed by Ravi Chandra

The “context-sensitive self” is a sense of self derived from how others view us. Eunkook Suh wrote in the Journal of Personality (2007):

"The self becomes context sensitive in service of the need to belong. When it comes to achieving personal happiness, an identity system that derives its worth and meaning excessively from its social context puts itself in a significantly disadvantageous position."

The overly context-sensitive person constantly scans the social environment for approval and other signals. Koreans have a term, “nunchi,” which roughly translates to “reading the room.” When one’s social survival and well-being depend so much on others' approval, it pays to be at least somewhat context-sensitive to “read the room” and fit in.

Context-sensitivity can also lead to excessive people-pleasing. People-pleasing, context-sensitivity, and an overabundance of nunchi can understandably lead to excessive anxiety and insecurity, because we can never be totally sure of how other people view us. Affirmation and validation are rarely overflowing and fully comforting. The overly context-sensitive person might never feel fully safe. It’s a roller-coaster from day-to-day, moment-to-moment, as they struggle to find security in their interpersonal relationships.

In addition, context-sensitivity can add a 4th "F" to our survival brain reactions: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. (The 5th F is "Flocking"—or gathering, post-trauma.) Some might fawn over abusers in an attempt to maintain safety or even gain the abuser's favor, using the context of their relationship with them to survive and advance socially.

It’s definitely pro-social to be reasonably oriented to pleasing others and have some context-sensitivity in our sense of identity and self. Ubuntu proverbs such as “People become people through other people” and “I am because you are” verify that the interdependent state of self is not purely an Asian or Korean phenomenon. In fact, in many cultures outside the United States, including most Asian cultures, the chief determinants of happiness are relational. In the United States, people say achievements determine happiness, making the U.S. an outlier in the world. However, the Grant Study verifies that even in the U.S., relationships are in fact the chief determinant of emotional well-being over the long term.

It is antisocial to not care at all about what other people think of you. This might be a good short-term strategy to affirm aspects of one’s identity that are not validated by one’s social environment, but it forestalls the journey of belonging and opens the door to sociopathy and a lack of empathy.

Ideally, we must balance “who we are to others” with “who we are to ourselves.”

Self-compassion helps us find the balance. Self-compassion deepens self-validation and self-affirmation, and is essential when we have faced harsh judgments. Socially, we most fear the judgments of others. If we’ve grown up in an emotionally cold or negative environment, we might internalize a hostile inner critic. Similarly, those who’ve faced marginalization or subordination in the dominant culture, due to, for example, race, gender, sexual orientation, or disability status, might also internalize self-hatred. Self-compassion as well as affirmation and validation in relationships are required for all people, but especially these groups. They might especially need to disentangle from context-sensitivity to find their own balanced and stable sense of self.

Social media, in my view, amplifies context-sensitivity and social comparison. We find ourselves aching for approval, especially in our loneliest moments, and are typically confronted with the spectacle of others who are able to garner more likes, often because they have more “friends” or followers. The social media algorithm essentially uses them as unpaid labor to keep others hooked to the app with the content they produce. Once upon a time, we found ourselves in the context of our real-world relationships. Now we are more lost in the algorithmic fog of others' distracted attention. We make each other special with our time and attention. We don’t really do that online, though our ambient sense of acceptance may improve over time. Children and youth are, in my opinion, particularly impacted by the loss of real-world stability of self in the context of relationships with others, because of online engagement.

Finally, context-sensitivity might fuel our fitting in, but can’t take us all the way to full belonging. The latter comes from self- and other-acceptance, support, and compassion, the opposite of critical, harsh, and shaming judgments.

Here’s to finding our individual and societal balance!

(c) 2021 Ravi Chandra, M.D., D.F.A.P.A.