Cynicism and Sarcasm—The Joke's Always on You

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Sarcasm is defined as “a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark,” while being cynical is defined as “bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic.”

Cynicism and sarcasm are relationship killers. They are defense mechanisms that protect against being vulnerable. As such, they are smoke screens preventing open and honest communication in intimate relationships.

Why do people do that?

People use sarcasm and cynicism typically as a result of experiences in their family of origin or early social settings. Often they are devices that help teenagers (especially men) get accepted into peer groups.

Being a cynic serves as a great defense mechanism:

• It is funny and light. Things don’t get too heavy, and you don't get too vulnerable.
• It protects you from pain precisely because you do not get too vulnerable, and you can always deny what you said under the guise of “I was just joking…”
• It helps avert criticism. You maintain a fuzzy communication style that keeps you vague, allowing you to change your narrative and stay flexible in your communication.
• It’s also a one-up move, because being sarcastic and joking at someone’s expense positions you above them. That makes it a power move.

But there are also losses for being a cynic:

• It is aggressive. As psychotherapist Terry Real writes, “sarcasm is the indirect expression of anger.” There is nothing the listener can do with it.
• It creates an atmosphere of suspicion. Your partner isn’t really sure what your intentions are. Are you serious or are you joking? Did you really mean what you just said? Was it a jab? Over time, such uncertainty breeds suspicion; your partner begins to automatically assume that you’re not serious.
• It creates relational stuckness. The sarcastic vagueness covers up vulnerability, which, over time, leads to less playfulness, less openness, and less vitality in the relationship. Your partner may start taking what you say with a grain of salt and might become ambiguous and sneering in response.
• Your life shifts. You may begin attracting people (friends, partners) who are also cynical, creating a somewhat jabby environment, which usually means a more entrenched, rigid, cynical one.
• There's no growth. The complicated subtext of communications limits self-exposure and psychological movement, depriving you of honest feedback from others.
• There's a lot less fun. It is not always fun being near cynical people (especially when the joke’s on you) because, at the end of the day, there's no honesty.

A funny affair

John and Mary, a professional couple with two young daughters, came to see me after she had an affair with a much older man at work. Every time John would get close to expressing his pain, he or his wife would throw into the air a sarcastic remark such as, “Well… It’s not like I killed someone… How could you sleep with a man almost twice your age? I look much better than him….” Within milliseconds, the other would laugh. This merry-go-round would lighten the mood and the topic would change.

Unsurprisingly, both grew up homes where jokes covered up pain. A perfect match, their marriage sealed an unconscious agreement to cover up their emotional pain and vulnerability with a blanket of cynicism. But what was unspoken created a distance in their marriage for years, which contributed to an affair. The cynicism kept John and Mary from facing the pain of loneliness in the marriage. Yet they did not know how to communicate in an honest and open way. However unfamiliar it was to them, they thirsted for an honest, open relational path.

How to minimize cynicism and sarcasm in a relationship?

Kicking the sarcasm habit isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Here are some steps that can help:

1. Talk to your partner. Is your relationship full of cynicism and sarcasm? If so, ask yourself where you learned to communicate like that. What are you gaining and losing from this feature of your relationship?
2. Say the thing. Practice one dimensional communication. Take a chance and be honest and clear. Being direct is indeed risky: “I didn’t enjoy our time last night." "I’m disappointed in your behavior." "I sometimes get scared you’ll leave me.”
3. Prepare for ruptures and pushback from your partner. If your partner is used to a biting environment, then as you begin to "broadcast live," they might get offended, angry, or embarrassed. Your partner might become upset with you. Stay playful and don’t let that resistance deter you from cleaning up your communication.
4. Persist. Hold on to yourself, take a breath, and realize that cleaning up cynicism is good for you and your relationships. It will take time. You might experience feeling more vulnerable, in a one-down position to your partner. Hang in.

If you can plow through the early discomfort, you’ll begin to feel the freedom of being at once open, vulnerable, optimistic, and playful. A new dimension will open up in your relationship.

Minimize sarcasm and cynicism in your relationship today because, ultimately, the joke is always going to be on you.