Talk "2" Your Partner in Numbers

Communicating in numbers saves time and energy in your relationships.

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We all want to protect ourselves from rejection and pain in our intimate relationship, so we may keep our communication implicitly vague, which takes a toll on our intimacy. The benefits of vagueness is an avoidance of conflict, a seeming appearance of harmony, a wide range of ways to deflect and diffuse any criticism (I didn’t say that, you didn’t understand me, and more).

Yet over time, this ambiguity has a high cost for our relationships:

1. Nothing is really over. Many topics are left open, which then ...
2. Drains relationships of vitality.
3. Leads you to (negative) “mind-read” your partner. This often results in negative sentiment override.
4. Endless fighting over who said what.
5. Vagueness breeds more vagueness. Slowly both partners become purposely vague in order to maintain the flexibility of denial.

Ambiguity leads to a reactive, symbiotic, mind-reading dynamic.

The solution: Talk in numbers!

Use a 1-to-10 scale and block yourself from saying 5 (which again is ambiguous). When facing a sensitive question in your intimate relationship (such as, "How important is it for you to spend a weekend with your partner’s mother?"), dare to answer with a number: 3, 6, 9 out of 10. Avoid the number 5 because that is ambiguous.

If you are asked to clarify your priorities, dare to list them clearly from 1 to 5: your relationship, your career, your health, your kids.

Talking in numbers is a high-risk/high-gain enterprise. Talking in numbers will speed up your partner’s natural reactions to your clearly stated positions, which I call Caveman Consequences.

The risks of talking in numbers.

1. More ruptures and conflict. You are becoming clear, especially in places of tension in your relationship. Your partner may not like hearing that cleaning up the kitchen is only a 2 out of 10 in terms of importance.
2. You become more accountable and your ability to deny or smoke screen diminishes.
3. You minimize and flatten the multitude of feelings and opinions you have on a specific matter.

Possible gains of talking in numbers.

1. You stop wasting time on mind-reading and your communication becomes clearer.
2. You gain agency and clarity. You speak your mind.
3. You raise differentiation. Differentiation is an ability to be yourself, say your truth, and still stay close to someone else. Taking a chance and telling a number is a form of courageous differentiation.
4. You save time and energy. You go straight to the point, so you can move on. You gain more time to spend on the things that really matter: Who are we? What is our vision for this relationship?

Example.

I once worked with a couple that complained about constant bickering for years. After a few sessions, I asked each one of them a very simple question: How much are you still invested in this marriage? After they both began to smokescreen, I asked to answer me between 1 and 10. She says, "3.5 out of 10." And as expected, her partner switched between being surprised, offended, and disappointed. I encouraged him to hold on to himself for both him and to stay close. I assured him that the wave of pain will wash over him. The following week she came in angry at me, for forcing her to be blunt. It took a few more weeks until she thanked me for encouraging her to name the truth they were both feeling. The following week they were in a different place. He was less shocked and could move on. The number 3.5 encompassed so much for this woman. For months beforehand she was trying to tell herself and her partner where she was emotionally, but he didn’t want to hear and she didn’t dare tell him.

The G&A Scale of Importance.

This scale was created when my wife Galit and I were still going out. Our calendars started filling up with events we wanted each other to attend. This led to many misunderstandings: Why didn’t you feel that this was important to me? You didn’t tell me! You should have known! I’m not a mind-reader. And so on.

So we created the G&A Scale of Importance (The Galit and Assael Scale), which ranges from 1 to 10.

• From 1 to 5 – Any event rated under 6 means it’s not that important to you that your partner comes but would be great if they did come.
• From 6 to 8 – This event is important to you and your partner needs a good excuse or previous commitment to not come.
• 8 to 9 – This event is really important to you and you are asking your partner to make the effort and cancel other plans in order to come.
• 10 – It is a “command performance.”

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This scale, like life, requires couples to add a measure of playfulness to their interactions.

This scale helps clarify communication and partnership. It clarifies priorities, helps couples withstand disappointment, and can save hours of mindless, futile arguing.

Talking in numbers is hard. It will lead you faster to the crucible of intimacy.

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So how can you switch 2 talking in numbers?

1. Decide you are ready to step up the heat in your relationship with a high-risk/high-gain attitude.
2. Share this article with your partner so you will have a common language.
3. Dare to start asking for as well as offering numbers when discussing important matters with your partner.
4. When you give a number, don’t immediately say why. Just breathe. Be bold, take a risk, say the number, and just shut up.
5. Expect a wave of resistance, in the form of you your partner acting surprised, offended, or disappointed (which I call the holy trinity of blocking).
6. Stay open, close, and loving toward your partner, even if they are upset. Show them that you are not running away and are meeting them in that moment. That this is your truth, and you are keeping it real with them because you love them.
7. If you ever feel your partner is not clear or not really answering your questions, you can also ask them to answer in numbers (remember that answering 5 out of 10 keeps things vague and prevents growth).

Talking in numbers is hard. It will lead you faster to the crucible of intimacy. It will bring about more ruptures but also more repairs. Over time your relationship will become hotter, clearer, and more differentiated.

So talk 2 your partner in numbers. It just adds up.