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Relationships
The Art of Relational Sharing
Unloading all one's feelings at once is alienating; a slower reveal works well.
Posted August 5, 2024 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- Spewing—sharing too much at once, even when done with good intentions—can flood your partner.
- The alternative is opening a shutter—a slow, manageable sharing of your internal world.
- By opening a shutter, you prioritize depth over breadth and deepen intimacy.
Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, M.A.
Have you ever found yourself overwhelmed by intense emotions, dramas, or traumas when talking to your partner? This is what I call "spewing," and it can be quite detrimental to maintaining healthy connections.
What Is "Spewing"?
Spewing describes the unloading by one person of all their emotions, dramatic moments, and traumas on their partner, much like a machine gun firing indiscriminately. Usually the intention is to share openly, but sometimes spewing serves as a semiconscious defense mechanism to protect against being too vulnerable.
By spewing, a person might feel a temporary release and a false sense of opennes, believing they are sharing everything. However, in reality, the behavior creates a barrier to genuine connection.
The irony of spewing is that it can actually distance your partner, who may feel overwhelmed and helpless. Best case, they respond with generic sympathy. Worst case, they disengage, stonewall, or disconnect.
In both cases, you’ll be left feeling unheard and unsupported. You might retreat for a while, until you're full to the brim with more to share, and spew again. Such a pattern can lead to cycling between shutting down (becoming a bunker) and spewing, neither of which fosters real intimacy.
Why Do People Spew?
There are several reasons why people might resort to spewing. It can serve as a defense mechanism, establishing a protective barrier that prevents others from getting too close. By sharing too much at once, the speaker effectively says, "You can't handle my reality. I’m too much for you." This can make the listener feel inadequate and unable to offer meaningful support, reinforcing the speaker's sense of helplessness.
Spewing can also be a form of self-presentation, whereby the speaker appaears to be an open book but actually is not really exposed. Frequent spewing can lead to a hollow, superficial exchange in which neither party feels truly connected or seen.
Some Examples of Spewing
Years ago, during a drop-in theater class I taught, a woman shared a deeply intense story of sexual abuse, violence, and trauma with the assembled group of strangers. Her story was so overwhelming that no one knew how to respond. Everyone froze. Needless to say, she never returned. Looking back, I think she intentionally flooded the room, reinforcing her isolating feeling that she is “too much”.
In another instance, a therapist I supervised frequently shared all the challenging issues she faced with multiple clients. Her spewing served as a shield, preventing us from addressing any specific case in depth. Spewing was a way to protect herself from my constructive feedback. That way she didn’t have to engage with her own therapeutic process.
In couples therapy, one partner may sees themself as a perpetual victim, unloading all their grievances and pains in a never-ending stream. The gushing overwhelms their partner, preventing any constructive dialogue from taking place. The spewing leaves no space for their partner’s pain. This creates a dynamic in which nothing is ever resolved, as there is always another issue waiting to be addressed. The partner recreates the relationship dynamic in the clinic.
The Alternative: "Opening a Shutter"
Instead of spewing, I suggest adopting the metaphor of "opening a shutter”: sharing one specific thought, moment, or feeling at a time. By doing so, you allow your partner to truly engage with what you're sharing. They get to slowly discover your inner world. This fosters a sense of genuine vulnerability and intimacy.
Opening a shutter is all about taking a risk. It means being selective and intentional with what you share, allowing space for silence, reflection, and feedback. This is a form of self-validated into-me-see (intimacy)—proactively sharing. without knowing how your partner will react. Opening a shutter encourages deeper, more meaningful connections and helps both parties feel seen and understood.
How to Open a Shutter?
- Stay Focused on One Topic. If you notice yourself starting to spew, take a step back and choose.
- Encourage Depth Over Breadth. Instead of trying to cover multiple topics, dive deeper into one specific issue. Doing so encourages a more nuanced and authentic exchange.
- Be Patient and Forgiving. Recognize that your are engaged in a learning process, both for you and the other person. Mistakes will happen, but they can be valuable opportunities for growth and understanding.
The art of sharing is about finding a balance between vulnerability and self-protection. While spewing may feel like openness, it often serves as a defense mechanism that hinders true connection. Learning to open a shutter, allows cultivation of deeper, more meaningful relationships in which both parties feel seen and valued.
So, the next time you're tempted to spew, try opening a shutter instead—because true intimacy shouldn't make your partner shudder.
Galit Romanelli is a certified relationship coach, Ph.D.-candidate, and co-director of The Potential State.
