The Art of Deep Empathic Listening

Let It Land is your pathway to mature intimacy.

Source: Assael Romanelli

Mature intimacy is when partners simultaneously hold two parallel, and different, internal realities. Embracing duality, especially in tense moments, is not easy. There are ways for partners to share their inner world in a vulnerable and open way.

Yet speaking is half the work.

Deep listening and accepting influence constitute the other part of mature intimacy. Research shows that partners who can not only listen but also accept influence and change according to their partner’s feedback report higher levels of marital satisfaction.

We call the act of accepting influence from our partner to “let it land” (LIL). The phrase is a principle of theatrical improvisation that applies perfectly to intimate relationships as well. LIL refers to the ability to let what your partner says “land” in your body.

Being open to our partner’s feelings, especially if their feedback is constructive or hurtful, is not easily. With some practice, you too can learn to take in your partner’s world more easily.

Six Practices for Heartfelt Listening

In the clinic we teach couples the six practices to LIL better.

Ground Yourself

Before you’ll be able to really listen and be open, you must make sure that you’re grounded. Make sure that your basic needs are met and that you’re not emotionally flooded. Take deep breaths, recite a mantra, or engage in any other practice that grounds you. If you’re not open to receiving, then better to defer the tough conversation and suggest a different time to meet.

Cut the Cord

Many of us have the core belief that our partner’s pain is our responsibility or fault. This core belief is usually shared by both partners, which lead to intimate conversations becoming triggering, intense, and usually tiring. Over time this core belief leads to a symbiotic, avoidant, or volatile relationship. If you want to accept influence, you will have to choose to believe that your partner’s feelings are not your responsibility but simply their world. Easy to say, hard to do! It’s not that you’re not connected at all to their pain, but it’s not your sole responsibility to heal them.

Adjust Your View

In times of conflict, many partners find it hard to accept that their partner’s reality is different and equally valid as their own. This binary, you or me, truth-or-lie view prevents partners from empathically listening to each other. The solution? Choose to believe that subjectivity is the only objective in intimate relationships. Move from an either/or worldview to a yes/and mentality. The facts don’t really matter; what matters is that you cross the bridge to your partner’s inner world so that they feel understood.

Befriend the Burn

Many of us enjoy hearing compliments and positive feedback, but most of us avoid feeling negative feelings. We have a wide array of defense mechanisms, led by our brain (acting as bodyguard) to protect us from unwanted, painful, or threatening input. But our partner acts as our side mirrors, showing us blind spots and growing points we can’t see ourselves. Why would you want to miss out on precious personal growth?

Marriage (or any long-term committed relationship) is a people-growing mechanism developed by humans. That burn we feel when our partner shares their pain, frustration, disappointment, anger, or constructive feedback is actually the somatic experience of meeting a part of ourselves we’re not familiar with. We call that part our shadow. When our partner reflects our shadow, the experience isn’t fun. We can rebrand the burn (meeting the shadow) as growing pains.

With some practice you can learn to sit long enough in the burn to let the uncomfortable sensation pass through you, get acquainted with the shadow, and glean the insight, learning, or growth point that your partner is giving you. For that you’ll need to own your shadow and embrace disappointment and guilt as valuable tools for relational growth. Being brave enough to meet your guilt, and not collapse into it, avoid it, or act it out, will enable you to assess whether you're living by your values or need to readjust behaviors and apologize. The more you befriend the burn, the better you’ll be able to remain in the crucible and grow.

Get Curious

The point of listening is to learn more about your partner’s inner world. Yet in times of tension, some partners mind-read and project as they’re listening, which results in negative sentiment override—a state in which negative feelings about the partner dominate and influence all one's perceptions, making even neutral or positive interactions seem negative. Most partners are biased mind-readers. Rigid mind-reading ultimately leads to defensiveness, aggression and stonewalling. The solution? Get curious.

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Curiosity is the antidote for defensiveness, judgment and boredom. Changing your exclamation marks to question marks will help you with your ultimate goal: to connect deeper with your partner. If their words are triggering, develop an ear to hear the deeper underlying emotional bids or deeper truths behind their words.

Tell Me More

The previous five practices are nonverbal. They are essentially choices you make with yourself. The last practice is the verbal epitome of letting it land: “Tell me more.” These three words convey to your partner that you’re here, you’re curious, and that you care. "Tell me more" is the opposite of blocking or negating your partner’s truth. It shows them you’re grounded, differentiated, ready to feel the burn and grow.

These six practices will help you both enjoy mature intimacy, which is the promise and present of a loving relationship.