The First Step to Tackling Your Emotions

As someone who practices psychology both as a researcher and a counselor, the most frequent question I hear from friends, family, and colleagues is, "How do I struggle with X?"—where X can be anything from rumination to procrastination, depressive moods, guilt, shame, or resentment. The key issue here is the word "struggle." This framing is actually part of the problem, and I often need to explain why.

Struggling with our own mental states.

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When experiencing stress or concrete emotions, we often think that we need to struggle and somehow win over them. With the rising popularity of psychology, internet sources are quick to offer guides on how to manage your emotions. What’s problematic is that they often operate within the same mindset—struggling with the problem. They suggest steps and techniques like affirmations, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, different kinds of meditation, etc. However, all these approaches miss the main point.

Protective role of emotions

The truth is, every emotion, mental state, or behavioral drive that influences you isn't inherently dysfunctional. These mental manifestations aren't out to sabotage or harm you. In fact, emotions, ruminations, and internal conflicts are often attempts to help you [1].

I want to emphasize a simple psychological principle: every symptom has a purpose. Usually, this purpose is protective, which explains why these symptoms persist and are hard to eliminate. Your brain prioritizes these symptoms because it's trying to meet a specific need, even at the expense of your overall well-being [2].

So, instead of "fighting" or trying to detach from your problem, you actually need to connect with your mental state and "hear" what the symptom is trying to communicate to you.

There are solid biological principles supporting what I'm advocating for. Although people are complex creatures, in some ways, they are quite simple. We all strive to fulfill a set of basic needs, and this list of needs isn't very long [1]. Every action we take is aimed at meeting these needs. Crucially, emotional states act as motivating forces to help us achieve this. For example, anger might arise to fulfill a need for safety, while resentment might surface to seek acceptance and attention [3]. So, the mental states you're constantly battling are actually there to help you meet your needs.

When you are trying to struggle with the problem, it's like going into battle fully equipped with armor, but once you're on the battlefield, you start taking it off and throwing away your weapon. You'd be left unprepared and unprotected. This is why your body resists your attempts to struggle with these mental states—you can't get rid of something that's trying to protect you.

It's long been established that the deep brain structures responsible for emotions and drives are much more powerful than the control regions like the prefrontal cortex [4]. These deep regions aim to maintain your internal stability and will generate symptoms to ensure this. You can't just logically tell them that you want to sleep instead of ruminating—they don’t respond to logic. The symptom persists because it wants you to finally hear it. It doesn't go away because it believes its goal hasn't been achieved yet.

What to do instead?

Your symptom needs to be acknowledged and understood. One way to do this is by directly taking protective action to fulfill the underlying need, but that's not always feasible. What we often overlook is that the key isn't necessarily in the action itself but in being aware of our inner state.

Hearing the signal behind your symptom.

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Neurobiologically, every emotion is not just a feeling but a behavioral urge directed at some goal [2]. Emotions prepare your body for action by exciting your muscles. When you don’t act on these urges, the physical tension remains and causes discomfort. While you may not always have the opportunity to act, you can still acknowledge and verbalize the intention behind the emotional state [5], which will decrease the affect [6].

Let us consider a practical example. Tina, a 32-year-old project manager, frequently feels anger toward her team members. She feels they undermine her authority and don't appreciate her efforts. Her thought is, "How do I struggle with my anger?"

Tina has tried various techniques to suppress her anger: breathing, counting to 10, punching a pillow, being equally toxic to her colleagues, and venting to friends. However, these methods treat anger as an enemy to be defeated, omitting the fact that anger arises for some important reason.

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Finally, Tina decided to change her approach. Instead of falling into the mindset of "I need to fight and overcome my anger,” she reframes the issue: "I need to understand what my anger is trying to communicate to me."

Reflecting on the triggers of her anger, she realizes it often surfaces when she feels disrespected or when her boundaries are crossed. Thus, her anger could serve two purposes: (a) seeking acknowledgment and respect from others and (b) protecting her personal boundaries.

She expresses her inner state verbally or in writing: “I feel anger because my needs in respect, equality, and safety/personal boundaries are not fulfilled. I would feel better if my colleagues, instead of mocking me behind my back, provided clear and factual feedback, showing my weak and strong sides objectively and respectfully, telling me what I can do better.”

Now, instead of suppressing anger or engaging in childish attempts to resist her colleagues with equal toxicity, she connects with her feelings and needs and chooses to act upon them. Recognizing the importance of clear communication, she approaches her colleagues and directly expresses her desire for respectful and honest feedback.

As a result, Tina improved not because she "defeated" anger but because she learned to listen to what it was trying to tell her and aligned her behavior with those underlying needs. Did her anger disappear? No. But it became a manageable and less disruptive force, transforming from an enemy to a guide, even a mentor.

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