Is Spontaneous Sex Better Than Planned Sex?

Source: Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

Hollywood glamorizes spontaneous sex. In the movies and on TV, we often see flirtatious tension starting to brew just before cutting to a scene of two people ripping each others' clothes off in an elevator, office, bathroom, closet, or wherever else they happen to be. The sex wasn't planned. It just happens. Fast.

But is this what sex is typically like in real life? And is spontaneous sex the best kind? Can sex that's planned be just as good, or does it take some of the magic out of it? Let's explore what the science says.

The Spontaneity Myth

Many people believe that spontaneous sex is better than planned sex, in part, because they think spontaneity springs from an authentic sexual connection. With planned sex, the passion has to be created, and that takes at least a little effort. To some, the sheer idea of planned sex may feel like "work" as opposed to a fun and pleasurable pursuit.

However, therapists take a different perspective. When couples complain of a desire discrepancy – one of the most common reasons people seek sex therapy in the first place – therapists often introduce the “spontaneity myth” and direct clients to plan out their sexual encounters as a means of building sexual anticipation and excitement.

What does research say about the pros and cons of spontaneous versus planned sex?

A recent set of studies in The Journal of Sex Research tackled this topic through a two-pronged investigation focused on the associations between spontaneous sex, planned sex, and sexual satisfaction. In the first study, researchers compared whether people endorsed the belief that spontaneous sex is satisfying over the belief that planned sex is satisfying.

In total, 303 people took part in this study. All participants were in a long-term relationship of some kind and lived with their partner.

People Believe Spontaneous Sex Is Better

The researchers predicted that participants would endorse the spontaneous sex belief more frequently than the planned sex belief. This turned out to be the case, showing that the spontaneous sex belief is a normative or conventional attitude when it comes to sexual initiation.

While people who recalled their most recent sexual experience as being planned (as opposed to spontaneous) did report lower sexual satisfaction on average, this was not the case among those who strongly believed that planned sex can be satisfying. If you believe planned sex can be satisfying, planning sex doesn't take the fun out of it.

Study one is somewhat limited, though, because it required participants to reflect back on a past sexual encounter rather than gathering information about their sex lives on an ongoing basis. A second study addressed this limitation through a 21-day experience survey. Here, 121 couples reported on their daily sexual activity, whether the sex was spontaneous or planned, and their sexual satisfaction each day. Participants were also asked about their endorsement of the planned versus spontaneous sex belief, as well as their baseline sexual satisfaction.

Spontaneous Sex Doesn't Equal More Sexual Satisfaction

Interestingly, the second study found few associations between people's sexual beliefs, the nature of their encounters, and sexual satisfaction. However, the key finding from this investigation was that the belief that spontaneous sex is better did not translate to higher sexual satisfaction at baseline or when spontaneous sex actually occurred.

While people seem to think that sex is going to be better when it happens spontaneously, the reality is that people generally find sex to be similarly satisfying regardless of whether it originated in the moment or was planned in advance.

It's also worth noting that there are many reasons why planned sex may better suit some couples' needs. For example, the researchers noted that needing to juggle various responsibilities such as childcare and work schedules may allow for few (if any) opportunities for spontaneous sex, thereby making planned sex a useful tool. Additionally, some participants reported enjoying the anticipation of a sexual experience that planned sex creates.

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For Some, Spontaneous Sex Has Drawbacks

One participant in the study noted that spontaneous sex detracted from satisfaction for them because it did not “[let] me get aroused before penetration.” This comment is illuminating because it points to inadequate or insufficient sexual stimulation as a potential barrier to enjoying spontaneous sex.

This is a actually a very common sexual complaint, particularly among heterosexual women, given that a lack of attention to a partner’s arousal before penetration is a leading contributor to the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women.

What all of this tells us is that while spontaneous sex might sound good in theory, in practice, it might not always be the most desirable form of sex for everyone.